"I found the answer..."

Mahalia Jackson's melodious voice reverberated in my head and my heart; "I found the answer...and I love to pray."

I cleaned the house, scrubbed the bathroom, washed dishes, vacuumed the floors "singing" trying to mimic that beautiful voice.  I was happy.  It never occurred to me that I was merely a quarry slave.  How could I know that other eight year olds were busy at play while I was cleaning an apartment?

I didn't mind.  I loved seeing the house clean.  My "mother" loved music.  We had a Hi-fi, (High Fidelity), and stacks of albums.  Every album Mahalia Jackson every made.  There was Ray Charles, Sam Cooke, Garnet Mims, Dave Brubeck and his Orchestra.  Her collection was eclectic.  We were guaranteed to hear music everyday, all day.

"When she was good, she was very very good.  When she was bad, she was very very bad." That was Martha.  You could never know what to expect.  There were days she baked cookies and molasses bread.  And there were days she beat us mercilessly.  There were days she bought us books and read to us and there were days she did "evil things".

I must say that for my whole life she has kept me mystified and for most of my life terrified.  Martha Jane Walters is a monster.  She is an old monster now.  One with feeble claws and no teeth.  Her roar has grown very weak.  Unfortunately, still blind, still deaf and dumb, ... still defiant.

I found the answer.  She is not coming!  She will not come to Christ!  She said that she will not repent and she won't.  It is a shame but it is her choice.  The Bible says; "Judge not that you be not judged."  I am not judging her. I am finally recognizing her. You may want and pray for something your entire life.  GOD does not guarantee that you are going to get it. I am gaining strength, accepting this awful truth.

I went to the elders, the pastor of my Apostolic Pentecostal church.  They prayed with me and prayed for me as I wailed for my "mother's" salvation.  Salvation that has not come.

"There is none so blind as he who refuses to see."  You can not help a person that refuses to be wrong.  You can not bring a pathological liar to the truth.  You can not make a person that is void of empathy care for others.

Dear LORD I do mourn for the mother I never had.  I do not mourn for the "mother" that sneered at me and allowed; "You remember too much!"

I do not mourn for the woman that received her son after a twenty-five year estrangement with fear and skepticism.  Never shed one tear, actually bragged that she was happy that he had experienced great tragedy.  Lost his medical practice, his life savings, his wife and son.  It tickled her.  Delighted her.  Pretended that GOD had punished him for "forsuking" her.

No, she will not change.  So lost in seeking revenge she will never find her way.  According to her we owe her.  She had us, had us out of wedlock and suffered humiliation.  No decent man ever wanted to marry her "because I had you bastard younguns."

No, Martha, no decent man ever wanted to marry you because you were a sick manipulative, clamorous, violent "root working" whore.  You have never accepted responsibility for your actions and I doubt that you ever will.  Your mountain of lies will never get you to the truth.

The fact is you don't want to know the truth.  You are not mentally ill.  You are not bi-polar or confused.  You are Evil!  Please permit me to remind you that cruelty is not courage.

You are a cruel coward determined to die and go to hell.  Determined to take as many as you can with you.  You will die with a million lies on your lips.  I can not say that you will suffer.  You would have to have a conscious to suffer.

Christ suffered on that cross for us, for you.  You could not care less.  No, I doubt you will suffer.  You will not shed one tear.  Any woman that could do what you did to your son and never care is a complete abomination.  You are disgusting in the eyes of man and GOD.

Any daughter that could plot the murder of her father and never shed a tear is beyond human comprehension.

It occurred to me that when Jesus told satan; "Get thee behind me!" He didn't try to save satan.  Jesus didn't go to His Father seeking answers to steer satan back on the right path.

Dear LORD what is the point of her long life if she refuses salvation, if she clings to a demonic existence?  The answer came; "Daughter I want the world to know how sick and depraved a person can become with me."

My grandfather said it everyday of his life, he told you over and over; "Apart from Christ you are nothing."

Stay in His WORD children.

May GOD's Grace, Mercy and Truth engulf you, cloak you and keep you in Perfect Peace,
Rachel Gwendolyn (the exceedingly proud granddaughter of a great Patriarch, JEROME WALTERS)