"She Been Here Befo'"

"Look at dem eyes! dat chile been heah befo'"

That's what my grandmother Rachel said about me.

I don't know a lot about my grandmother. She died when I was three years old. The memories I do have of her are crystal clear though. It is like I had a camera in my brain.

I heard that she was very spiritual, clairvoyant, a kind of seer.

"Don't talk to dat baby lak dat Mathy Jane, you know she tender hearted."; she admonished my mother.

I know she made my mother promise that she would not mistreat me any more. Mathy Jane made that promise as her mother lay dying in the Cancer Institute in Lumberton.

"I promised GOD that I would become the kind of woman that would make my mother proud if he would just let her live long enough to see it. And I did too, I changed."

Again this was a revelation that came out of no where. You can't change if you can't admit the truth. I fear that Mathy Jane committed many "unpardonable" sins before she matured enough to understand her decadence. Lying was her habit. Denial made her life bearable. The cruelty is pleasurable. Nothing will stop her, nothing short of death. She is a demon. A demon at eighty-five is hopeless. That is a mighty long time to be wrong. Wrong has become a part of her DNA.

She promised GOD that She would live right, She promised that She would not mistreat me. Obviously She failed miserably. Did She try? She always said that She did the best She could. Maybe She did. I think She did the best She would.

I think my mother loved her mother sometime. There are times that She talks so reverently and lovingly about her mother. Then there are times that She says that She wished She had had sense enough to kill her. Could She be two distinctly different women sharing the same body? One a saved and sanctified saint, the other a rank cruel whore? Could the whore be the dominant one? The religious one is the weak one, kind, pleasant, easily manipulated by the mean one. I don't know if she suffers with a multiple personality disorder or She is just as mean as a snake and twice as sneaky. I know living with her is fatiguing and gut wrenchingly painful. The sad thing is that She is so brilliant and devious She could pull off a multi personality scam.

The heartbreaking truth is that She is a talented comedienne and a fantastic writer. Why She never pursued her talent I may never know. It wasn't because of her children. She blames racism, I say it is karma, it is Deuteronomy 28.

"She been heah befo'"; I don't know what my grandmother saw in me. She must have seen something very special. I know that I have a phenomenal memory concerning certain events.

I am sure that I was just shy of two years old. I was standing up straight on the car seat with both of my little arms wrapped around my uncle *Zack's neck as he drove at thrillingly high speeds through the woods of Wade. I had on a pair of raggedy "draws", no shoes and no shirt. It was summer and it was hot. We rode up and down dusty country roads in some big old car. I think it was a green Buick. I had been enjoying Uncle *Zack's company all day. It seems we had been visiting quite a few of his friends. Uncle *Zack was a friendly man, loud and the life of the party. Uncle *Zack was a very good looking man. If he had a physical "flaw" it was the fact that he was short. That was my mother's name for him; "Luddle shawt ass *Zack..." She started every sentence concerning him the same way "Luddle shawt ass *Zack..." She held his height against him like bad credit or bad breath. "My daddy was tall...I don't know whur dat luddle shawt ass nigga came from." They certainly enjoyed sibling rivalry growing up. She never out grew hers apparently.

There had been a lot of drinking and evidently a lot of cussing. No sooner had Uncle *Zack delivered me to my grandmother than I started cursing a blue streak. Totally unaware of my ability to mimic, Uncle *Zack and his friends must have been very liberal in their profanity. A chicken walked across the porch and dropped what chickens do. Angered and disturbed by the "dewkey" splattered on the porch I let out the loudest; "Kill de Muthaf***** !" then continued repeating everything I had heard, exactly the way they said it. He said my words, inflection and pronunciation were perfect.

"Mama said you ain't taking dat baby way from here no mo'." Uncle *Zack bellowed with his uproarious baritone laugh.

I don't know if my grandmother ever let me hang out with Uncle *Zack again. I do know that he had a problem with my mother that day. He made some remark about how she dressed us. What did he do that for? She cursed him up one side and down the other. Evidently Uncle *Zake did the worse thing a person could do to Mathy Jane in his attempt to defend himself from her verbal barrage. He called her a whore. She threatened to kill him on the spot. They had to wrestle the shotgun out of her hand, again. To this day Mathy Jane is famous for pulling guns on people that disagree with her, people she can't intimidate. I think my mother may have been the first Debo.

Uncle *Zack never knew that she professed to hate him until his his dying day. Actually beyond his dying day. She still hates him and his wife.

What kind of mind is that? What kind of person pretends to love?

A fractured person that can not love.

If you can't love, admit it, mind your own business and travel wide. Keep your distance or at least warn people. Say; "There is something wrong with me, I can't be trusted."

If you can't love, find out why. Ask GOD to show you. If you like to hurt people, find out why.

If you are a liar, Stop! Just stop! Take a vow of silence if you have to. Shut up! no one wants to hear your lying mouth.

If you catch someone in a lie, tell them. Do not tolerate lying.

My grandmother said; "A man that will lie, will steal, if you will steal you will kill." She had no idea how right she was.

I know I am different. I am by no means regular. I know GOD spoke to me. I know that he has always protected me. I know that He told me my life was going to be rugged. I was four years old and told my mother how Jesus spoke to me. I know she never listened, or if she listened she didn't believe me.

Attention all future reprobates and child abusers, if your child tells you that GOD spoke to them, leave that child alone.

Stay on Deuteronomy 28 children, stay on it until you get it. Fathers and mothers get in covenant with GOD. Teach by example. "Kind words turneth away wrath."

Be a Blessing and be blessed. "Keep yourself up much as you can."

Much Love, Peace and Happiness,
Rachel