They are called "Triggers"

I just found out about them recently.  I didn't have a name for them, just considered them flashbacks.  A trigger is what an adult survivor of severe child abuse experiences periodically.

My triggers cause a hot flood of tears to gush down my face.  I had one this morning.  I was washing my dishes in my house (four bedroom, two and a half bath. Proof that I have arrived.) and suddenly I was that tiny five year old girl on my knees facing backwards in a dining room chair.  I was much too young and tiny to be washing dishes in Tide and hot water.  "Mother" invented the apparatus designed to help me reach the sink.  Nothing helped my tiny little hands every time a dish or glass slipped out of my trembling hands onto the floor.

I could feel the heavy slick plate or glass slipping through my little water logged fingers.  Oops! Too late!  It didn't matter if it was a jelly jar or an already cracked plate I knew I was going to get my ass beat.  I soon learned to get a grip on those dishes.  Dumb me, shouldn't have been so clumsy, such a clutz.  Shouldn't have been born, disturbing the joy of this wanna-be prima donna.

"Die*****!"; that's what you should have said. That's what you meant. Why did you hate ME!?  You had ME! I didn't ask to come into this world and I certainly didn't ask you to be my mother. You knew you were a sadist!  You were just as rabid as any dog.  Poisonous, sneaky, low down and low life.

I hope you don't mind but I intend to spend the rest of my life warning people about "mothers" like you.

I don't want to hate you. Of course I hate what you did.  I am raging with anger because you were so successful in your plots and destruction.  I am very distrustful!  And I got a bone to pick with Simon Temple AME Zion church.

Ladies, before you lay down and get pregnant, check your motives.  If you know you are demonic, a hopeless sadist, don't have any children.  I suggest you refrain from owing pets.

Goal for 2014 ; find the right therapist.