I just wanted to be a writer ...

I was eight years old and I told my mother I wanted to be a writer.  I didn't want to be famous or anything.  I knew I liked to write.  I spent so much time in my room alone, coloring, drawing and writing stories.  My teachers encouraged to to write all the time.  They let me stand in front of the class and read my stories.  Everyone would clap.  So I decided that I would become a writer.

My mother told me that I was a "black n*****!" and I could never be a writer.  I learned years before to pay her no attention because granddaddy told me she "wuz ignut".

"You BLAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK!!!! ...duh wurld won't nevah recognize you as nuttin'!"

So my ballet teacher swells with pride telling her what a great "Prima Donna" I was. I was eight and the only black student in her class.  My mother became very angry and said ;"You ain't takin' NO MO' BALLET!"  So that was the end of that.

I went from Brownie to Girl Scout.  This time there was another black girl in my troop.  My scout leader marveled at the record time in which I had won all my badges, memorized the entire three inch thick Girl Scout handbook just for fun.  So this time Martha plays stark raving crazy.  She dresses me up like a clown in a full grown woman's uniform.  Rolls the huge skirt around my waist about four times and puts a huge safety pin in it to hold it up.  Puts a huge blouse on me that stops at my ankles.  Puts these "broke down" brown combat boot looking shoes on me with raggedy holey socks, fixes my hair like buckwheat and smeared lipstick around my mouth and forced me to go to my Girl Scout meeting.  I'm eight and I know this***** is crazy as a loon.  What can I do, I'm eight yeas old?

So I quit Girl Scouts.  I was humiliated.  I never went to another meeting.  Martha continues to play whore, screwing loudly  this black ape of a husband with the door open.  He continues to molest me and she continues to play dumb.

That same year I found out that I was as blind as a bat.  Couldn't see ****!  I was so dumb I thought the world was blurry.  I thought every one just saw smeary colors.  Mrs. McDonald ordered my mother to get me glasses and she did.  I will never forget telling her; "Oh mother! The world is so beautiful!"  She cried.  The ***** boo-hooed and cried.  I thought that meant that she really loved me after all.

Some times Martha would be nice to me.  Most of the time she was just a perverted sneak.  The poor lady was always unhappy.  She never had enough money.  She hated any and every one unlucky enough to be born darker than her.  "Why I have all dese black ass younguns!!!!?" She would scream at GOD.

Time after time there was Martha, stealing something, destroying something.  Beating and cursing us viciously.  Beating babies, calling us vile vulgar names and hauling us to church.  Vacillating between loving and hating her father and loving and hating us.

I finally got grown,but I was never free.  I stayed away for nine years.  She became a preacher.  I thought every thing was cool.   We could finally be a real family.  Little did I know.  She became a preacher just so she could pull off her most demonic schemes and dreams.

She is a foul nasty thing.  Too repugnant to tell on.  My friend that declares that no woman would ever do such things; "Shut up! and quit spreading ignorance."

About a month ago I started taking medication for my depression. I take it every day.  I'm glad I finally found this drug.  GOD is healing me.  Yea, I'm telling. "I can't keep it to myself."

You've done a lot of terrible things to me and my brothers over the last seventy years. You destroyed all of my manuscripts and masters thesis, "rooted" me out of house and home over and over.  Hated me for existing and "out doing " you.  I earned a college degree with honors while maintaining my "virginity".

You are a jealous hater.  You can't love anyone.  I survived you.  I've gone from survivor to thrivor! It was nothing I did.  Everything I've done and everything I have achieved has been by the Grace of Almighty GOD.

 For some strange reason I never wanted to kill you.  Just wanted to love you, just wanted you to love me.  You can't love anyone and looks like you can't die.  Could it be that GOD is waiting on you to repent?  You might make it to a hundred and ten, huh?

I would not be you for all the money and power in the world.  I refuse to be one of your spineless minions and I reuse to shut up.  It gives me great comfort to tell on you.  You are going to have to come better than screaming ;"Liar! Liar!"  You are going to have to come clean.  The A.M.E.Zion Church is going to have to come clean about harboring such a "preacher" as you.

You're going to do something to one of my brothers real soon.  You can't go too long without backstabbing.  They are going to wake up, one by one.  They know you.  None of them, not one of them can call me a liar.

You notice how no one has jumped to your defense.  To think, all theses years we just thought you were nasty and psychotic.  Now, we have to add "root working back stabbing soothsayer" to your legacy.  And never forget MURDERER!  You slipped so low you MURDERED your own daddy!

Get up out of that hole!  Come to Jesus!  Tell him that you were an ignorant whore that lost her mind!  He'll forgive you.  You are already forgiven.  Repent of your sins.  (They are no longer secret.  I made sure of that.)