"He keeps a ram in the bushes"

She was a true prostitute, "the world's oldest profession", with a pimp's mentality. Iceberg Slim had nothing on my mother. She could have taught him a thing or two.  We were never anything more than "Johns" and tricks to her.  Fodder for her narcissistic supply.

I once read an article blaming the narcissist's mother for NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).  I am now affiliated with two organizations that attempt to educate victims and the public concerning the issue of child abuse. I had to laugh yesterday. For some reason I recalled the "Grits and Grease" episode.  The time she came home with a huge industrial sack of grits. The bag was so huge it stood tall in the pantry on its on, like some kind of monster rearing up on its hind legs.  The grits were accompanied by a huge side of pork belly. Fat-back if you will.  As my brothers placed the "rations" in the tiny kitchen closet called a pantry she loudly proclaimed; "" I keep yo' muthaf******* a**holes open! I'll let yo' f****** a**holes close up!!!  From now on I'm feeding you n****** nuttin' but grits and grease!"  And that is exactly what she did.  Grits and grease was all we had to eat for months.

I laughed aloud when I recalled that I was 14 years old, tiny and fragile as a sparrow.  I would walk to the refrigerator, humble myself by bending over scouring, searching that refrigerator for some food.  Nothing! Nothing but a bright light bulb and a withered onion.  I would walk away, stomach growling, sorry it was the week-end and I could not get any school food.  I would walk slowly back to my room, read a book or watch tv, pray to get "grown".

Not once did I blame my mother.  I totally agreed with her.  We were nothing but a bunch of "sorry a** black a** n*****, not worth a f***."  She didn't have to have us.  She could have given us away. (Like she did me)  She could have flushed us down the toilet like she did "dem other muthaf*****".  We were black, we were n*****, we were sorry, worthless, bastards, a pain in the a**.  We ruined our beautiful "light bright and damn near white" mother's life. She could have been a model, a famous actress, a lawyer or doctor if it hadn't been for our sorry black a*** and our sorry a** daddies! " N***** didn't live up to their responsibility."  All those horrible "a n***** ain't s***" men took advantage of our naive innocent mother.  They abandoned her after tricking her into an unwanted pregnancy, then suddenly abandoned her.

My mother could be so kind sometimes.  No, she only bought groceries once a month but she taught me how to make a "Jew sandwich"; a butter and sugar sandwich.  I discovered mayonnaise and mustard sandwiches on my own.  Sometimes it would be cornmeal mush fried, split open and filled with syrup and margerine. (enough of that)

Well let me tell you how good GOD is!  For over 60 years I didn't know "know".  I knew but I didn't comprehend.  I kept all of the sadistic torturous "acts" and episodes separate.  No matter what she did to me I couldn't get it.  Believe it or not I never knew she secretly hated me, secretly hated all of us.  She was clever and she would have gone to her grave a celebrated hero if she hadn't murdered her father and sent me that letter smeared in her fecal matter.

There was satan setting right under my nose, eating and sleeping with me,  declaring my mother's love.  How could I know that my mother wasn't there?  Mathy Jane had left that body, surrendered her soul years before I was ever thought about.

Children, when you fall low enough, are so stuck on stupid that you believe that some dirt off of a murdered man's grave will give you power, you have hit rock bottom.  You are truly the most ignorant person on the earth.  You are lower that whale dung.  May the Dear LORD have mercy on your poor ignorant soul.

I came to brag.  This blog is my platform for bragging.  No you didn't get me!  True, it was nothing that I did.  I can not take credit for escaping you.  It was truly the LORD Jesus Christ.  GOD revealed you to me in the womb! Praise the LORD!

No, you never liked me.  I hope you noticed that I never liked you either.  Yes, you lived to be 87 years old but your sick evil mind never matured emotionally past 14.  You pretended to love GOD when you could have loved GOD.  But you knew if you loved GOD you would have to curtail your evil ways and that is something you never wanted to do.  You would have to give up your delicious carnal pleasure.  And you were so afraid some one would out do you.  Get more recognition than you, more honor, have more money, have a good name, go to Heaven, live eternally in peace.

You hated peace.  That's why you cursed all day!  Screaming vulgar filth for hours and hours, cursing until sleep overtook you.  ( You were trying to get me to run away weren't you? Didn't work.)  Your actions made me study.  There was no way I was going to remain in your house five minutes longer than I had to.

Yes, I am exposing you.  I am trying to save the people you led astray.  I want to reach that person walking around with "goofer dust" in their pocket.  I want to reach that woman you taught to use her body like an ATM machine.

I just want you to know that I am healing.  No, you never said you were sorry, never apologized for anything you ever did.  Yes, I caught you in "mid conjure", trying to destroy my life again.  You were 82 years old and an ordained minister!  Where did you go wrong? Hiding behind the "Cross", making me go to church every Sunday, making me memorize scripture.  I discovered something you never realized.  HE lives!  My Redeemer lives!

Children, there is nothing you can do that GOD is not quick to forgive.  Yes, even in the last hour you can come into the Kingdom.  I hope you made it in.

Stay in His WORD children.  Remember;"Apart from Christ we are nothing."

May GOD's Grace, Mercy and Truth engulf you, cloak you and keep you in Perfect Peace,
Rachel Gwendolyn (the exceedingly proud granddaughter of a great Patriarch, JEROME WALTERS)

Copyright November 4, 2013   All rights reserved