"…delayed expression."

My PTSD with delayed expression could mean that I had to wait for the ignorant terrifying primitive savage ass beast to die before I could find the courage to fully embrace and comprehend my truth.

My mother did force me to live inside my head, inside books, inside the Academy.  Of course I wanted no part of reality.  This bitch , "selling pussy out both draw'legs!", working a part time job , her regular job, flimflams and running scams, still hollering "broke".

"It is 'cause you don't live right dawthur."

"Fuck dat living right shit! It is root hog or die po'!"

My mother never listened, my mother never won either.  She squandered every gift GOD gave her.  Yes, she did think she was the one person able to come to this earth and fool GOD, fool his people , do as she pleased, never repent and just die.

That can't be done.

Yes, Martha could have repented.  She chose not to, preferred her insane coon act to the end.  So be it.

"Sink or swim.  I left sixty-five acres of land, a house, a pond, vineyards and orchards,  and a tobacco allotment  to you niggas.  Do wid it whut you want.  Jest don't sell THE LAND!"

Of course all that land ended up in the hands of "whites".  Was that racism?  Exploitation?  Human greed, justice, tough luck, a lack of love and caring?  Are we cursed?

My family may be cursed.  I refuse!  I reverse every curse, every course of evil laid before me, before my blood kin, before the righteous.   It is all in Divine Order.  Martha never had any power or any sense.  She was ignorant just like granddaddy said.

Racist people are stupid.  "Come ye out from among them."

Praise the LORD!

These arms of mine - Otis Redding

Dear young Ladies, 

Please take your time.  Don't compare.  Please do not manipulate or connive.  Be honest.  Always be honest in every aspect of your life.  If your man or mate can not make you feel like you are floating on air, keep it moving. 

You will grow to resent him.  The first time you catch him in a lie or some perceived weakness you will explode.  Subconsciously you knew you were really settling because you were looking at the clock and or maybe your pocket book.

Just chill a month or two.  Take your time.  Don't let anyone rush you.  Don't let anything rush you. 

If you are ever lucky enough to have a child or children, do pour all of your love into them.

Don't pretend to be , be!

Praise the LORD!

It would be hilarious ...

if the shit wasn't fucking true.

Here I am, old as dirt, finally understanding my life long plight.  I was tied, bound, strapped to a fucking ignorant ass coon, a damn nigger wench!  A dedicated whore that was in no way dumb.  A woman afflicted with a cruelty and an inability to ever care about any one that  went beyond the pale.

When you are long dead and you still make your victim's skin crawl, you were an abomination!   That should not be.  What people are so weak they cave to satan, let evildoers have their way? People that have not been preached to.  People that do not yet know or understand GOD's Word.

GOD told us to shun the very presence of evil, not to cloak it because the low viper is wise enough to pretend preach.  My mother raised holy hell if we so much as gave her the "side eye" while she was on the phone lying about us to our face!  The bitch  was a THOT (That Hoe Out There), probably the first one, a pioneer whore!

Martha's arrogance was ridiculous.  Even she knew she did not deserve the accolades she poured on herself.  Yes, she knew she was a reprobate and she pretended that she thought you knew.  Yes, Martha played this game of "Your money is my money and my money is my money" for her entire long life.

I don't know if it was because she was a Depression era baby  or just her ignorant human greed but Martha could smell money, demanded it, lived to swindle you out of yours.  It was a habit.  No, you never knew how much money Martha ever had but she always had your finances down to the penny.

People like my mother exploit other people because they are of "little faith".  These people "lean to their own understanding".   They are the most manipulative, conniving, lying people that have ever lived.  They lie so, the lie unconsciously, habitually.  Yes, they do lie when the truth is in their favor.  Yes, they do holler "Lawd! Lawd!" but they don't mean it.  Don't worry their secret envy and jealousy will forever keep them at the bottom.  Yes, they are "bottom feeders".  Shun them.

Praise the LORD!

Roy Orbison& Elvis Presley - Pretty Woman - Polk Salad Annie

They say my mother was a very pretty woman.  I guess so.  But her ways were so ugly I can't see her as ever being pretty.  Attractive, alluring, seductive, charismatic, but not pretty.  To some intoxicating, captivating, even hypnotic, not pretty.  Lovely, loving sometimes, unfortunately it was a love your could never trust or feel comfortable with.

I experienced far too many "uncomfortable situations" at the hands of my mother.  I will not recount the sexual molestations right now,  just one strange event.  Always driving off abandoning me.  I was around seven or eight, we stopped at Lonnie Mac's grocery/gas station.  We all went in to shop.  When I came out of the store I overheard people saying; "She left dat chile!…Sho' did!"  Before I could finish looking around asking who, I realized it was me.

Fortunately a nice family claiming to be my cousins rescued me.  Terrified , I never went beyond their porch.  They were kind but I felt abandoned. ' The bitch did it again'.  How many times in eight years had my "mother" left me somewhere completely unprotected?   I had lost count.  I did feel this was the last time.  I just knew I would never see "my family" again.

They did finally return, angry, pissed that I had caused them to waste so much time and gas.  My mother screeched ; "Shit! I wuz so glad to not hear yo'fucking mouf …shit   …I didn't even miss you! ..next time have yo'black ass in place …shit …I didn't haft to come back and git yo'black ass!"

If any human being on this earth believes the color of their skin  gives them the right to commit such cruelty on tiny innocent defenseless children , that person is a demon, demon possessed and they should not be tolerated.

My mother was tolerated simply because she was our mother, our keeper, our enslaver, prison guard.  She is dead now.  We can all come out of the dark now.

Praise the LORD!

If GOD could put courage and common sense in a bottle ...

many would not partake, would have far too many questions concerning it's content.  Many would refuse it simply because GOD gave it to every one equally.  And of course there would be some that would steal all the bottles  from the  weak and gullible, then they would horde tons of  these bottles never intending to use them.  They just want others to be in want.  Viewing others in want makes them happy.  Making people suffer while pretending to love them makes her giddy with joy and excitement.

Mark that woman! She is dangerous!  She should never be left around the elderly and infirm, ever.  Do not leave that woman around the unprotected feeble minded.  Do not lie and cloak for her!  You are cursed!

No, don't ease out, run!

You must read and study your Bible for yourself.  These ravenous wolves have lost their minds, preaching "tithing" as a commandment!  Pastors insinuating that GOD only blesses those that give or that s/he will pray for you, get a prayer through for you.  Hog wash!

Salvation is free!  "Sowing a seed" has nothing to do with supporting some ministry with a pledge.  If you are just attending "church" to get blessed you are already messed up.  "Church" is in your heart.  If you are sitting in there hating anyone you should have stayed home.

I am horrified!  A woman like my mother could not only procure a license to preach from the African Methodist Episcopal Zion church after she MURDERED her own father but was permitted to keep it.
I have to wonder, how many more closet demons are hiding "up in there"?

Money, money, money!  Is that it?  Parishioners for money?   Religious entertainment for money!? What about soul salvation?  What about healing the sick, wounded, afflicted?  What about living right? Purely living for the Kingdom?  What about saving children?

All GOD's goodness, (HIS) wisdom is in that book.  You must read and study it for yourself.  Martha and greed mongers like her certainly taught me to read and study that book for myself.

Praise the LORD!

Roy Orbison - Only the Lonely (Monument Concert 1965)

Only my fellow severely abused siblings  could possibly know how deep my pain is!  How my heart has been made to ache for sixty-five years!  All because our low class, ignorant ass mother refused righteousness, refused honesty and forthrightness.

Yes,  that slut and her fellow buzzard lovers cut me to the white meat.  The bitch was gnawing into my bones when she finally expired.

She is finally gone now but she sure left her scent.

Fumigating over her LORD.

Praise the LORD!

Roy Orbison - Only The Lonely