"Tossed and driven.."

More than ever I now understand the words to that song.  My grandfather bragged; "My granddawthur.. she a school tea-CHA down in Atlanta!"  My mother would scream "You Ain't S***!"; away from prying eyes and ears.

That's Martha, always on the prowl, always on the sneak.  Pretending that she was sad, feigning confusion and disbelief.  "You got me wrong.  That's not in my character."  She always managed to deliver that line with the greatest conviction.  She could list all the reasons you had her wrong, say you miss judged her.  First of all you were too black.  Secondly, you were "no sense-ED.  Unable to think or judge correctly.  Thirdly, you were jealous of her beauty, brains and COLOR.

You're crazy!  You didn't see what you thought you saw.  If you could prove the event, if there was no doubt, you were living in the past.  There you go, "digging in the Archives."

"Let it Go! Forget it!  There is no way I'm admitting to it!  I will never tell YOU that I'm sorry.  (You better be glad that I didn't kill yo' sorry ***!  You lucky I let you live.  Stay out my bizness!)

"Tossed and driven".  A grandfather that proclaimed that I was his princess, the apple of his eye.  A jealous mother that tried to sell me into "whoredom".  Made sure that I was savagely raped and ruined as a little girl.  Every day I was a "luddle black heifa!", a nothing, a "piece of s***!".  A burden, too black to be loved.  Too dumb to be honored.  A pest, a whiner, a needy thing.  As I became older she taught my brothers that I was the low life sneaky snake.  That I was the back stabber.  That I was the one that could not be trusted.  That I was black as an Ace of spades and therefore did not deserve love or honor.

She and that jet black, red-eyed, pearly white teeth man were a team.   They were "raising their own p****!" I heard her say it many times.  I didn't know exactly what it meant then.  I somehow sensed that it meant doom for me.  I know fully what it means now.  I know what it means when GOD releases you over to a "reprobate mind".

We hid in the library at Fort Bragg.  Lucky for us there was always a library nearby.  We could hide there.  Read all the books, check a ton of them out.   I read every thing related to Liberal Arts.  My brother read everything science and math oriented.  We pretended that we just wanted to read.  I never could bring myself to believe that I was afraid to go home.  Nasty! Two carnal vultures!  She was the worse.  She was the ring leader.  It was a good thing that she was sneaky and had to play "holy roller".

I thank GOD every day for my big mouth.  I thank GOD my mother labeled me a a blabber mouthed snitching tattletale early in life.  What if she had believed that she could have depended on me to keep her awful secrets?

I am no longer "tossed and driven"!  I am Free!  I am proclaiming GOD's Goodness!  His Salvation!  His Love! His Joy!  His release from this awful pain and burden.

Praise the LORD!  HAAAAAAAAAALELUJAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!