Blocked, hemmed in, can't move

Blocked, hemmed in, can't move; describes most of my life with Martha.  She was the most brilliant woman I ever knew.  I was sure she could read my mind.  She had all the power.  You better do exactly what she said and you best not do the slightest thing to make her angry.  The problem was every thing made her angry.  If you did something well in school to bring her honor she hated you. (Secretly of course)  If you made a mistake she got on the phone and made it a hundred times worse.

I remember standing in the kitchen listening to her tell my cousin that I flunked out of graduate school.  I was in shock and disbelief.  She was laughing and putting me down in my presence!  The fact was, she tricked me out of graduate school.

I finally earned the mother I always wanted.  I graduated from NCA&T State Un with honors.  She claimed to be so proud. "Who knew a luddle black bastard like you wud be the first in the family to earn a college degree." A kind of back handed compliment to be sure, but I was foolishly proud of her words.

She gave me her old Buick La sabre.  I drove to  New York State University in Binghamton alone.  Received my Fellowship and was treated like royalty. My mother put a phone in my room and paid the bill.  A personal phone in your room in 1973 was really a luxury.  My mother called me every day, talked for hours.  I found a mother's love at last.

She was extraordinarily critical of the graduate school I chose.  According to her everything was wrong with that school.  I was doing too much work as a graduate assistant.  My professors were taking too much credit for my research.  Pretty soon I was in agreement with her, I needed the black experience.

I will never forget that call  two weeks before the first semester ended; "You come on home baby, you come on home."  Within hours I was packing my meager belonging in her Buick and headed back to North Carolina.  I was running back to be smothered in my mothers love.  I was immediately rebuked and criticized.  I was still too dumb, too black.  I was stupid, I had no game, no man would ever want me despite my luscious long thick hair and beautiful shape.

Well she won again.  I was blocked, hemmed in, I couldn't move.  She was 26 years older, she had the right color, the right hair.  It was thin but there wasn't a kink in it.  Martha is cunning and full of guile.  How could any of us ever escape?  With Martha it is dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.  Why tell on her?  No one is going to believe you.  Recounting her deeds makes every one uncomfortable.  Most don't believe you, consider you the greatest liar that ever lived.  That makes me want to scream because she is the greatest liar that ever lived.  Those that do believe you don't know what to say.  Some claim they will pray for you.  Most get as far away from you as they can.  I'm the leper, the undesirable.  It is my fault for finding myself in the clutches of such a female, the anti-mother, perhaps the Anti-Christ!

So the old c*** is still living, still lying, still manipulating.  She thinks that she can't lose.  No one is smarter than Martha.  "You may as well give up.  I can't lose for the stuff I use.   You can't win for the fix you in."

She's right.  They all still love her, the five sons, the grands and great grands, a host of cousins and family friends.  Still duped.  Martha doesn't have a care in the world.  No one will ever out think her.  No one will ever believe that stanking black a** lying daughter.  Block her in with your abominable lies, hem her in good.   Make sure that she can't move.  Make sure no one in the family will ever have the courage to stand up with her and admit that she is telling the absolute truth.

Yes, Jerome Walters is dead and nothing can bring him back.  So you cowards continue to let her malign him and destroy his good name so you can stay in good with her.  So she won't "root" you or talk bad about you.  You still want her despicable whorish love.  You still want the world to believe that you enjoyed this fabulous childhood. That you are normal, every thing is great and you are happy.  She reads the Bible everyday, all day.  She does nothing but quote the Bible reminding you how good GOD is.

"Dont you f******* think back muthaf*****!" was her daily mantra.  It worked.  Don't think on your own. Don't look at her fruit.  Believe every lie that comes out of her mouth and hate every one that she hates.  Yes, you will be miserable.  But you will have Mathy and she will call you and praise you daily.  You will accept her false love as real love.  You will wait on her to die so that yo will get your part of the "inheritance".  The world will never believe such a creature ever existed.  No one in Fayetteville, North Carolina is ever going to say a word against her. No one in Simone Temple A.M.E.Zion church will.  No one in the Walters family will.

Is it a collection of low character or is it fear?  Could it be collective shame?  Does she have something on you? Did you get duped into doing something with her that you would rather take to your grave than share?

In the mean time GOD is helping me to break down these stumbling blocks.  I refuse to be hemmed in.   I can finally move.  I am Free! Praise the living LORD!

Stay in His WORD children. Remember;"Apart from Christ we are nothing."

May GOD's Grace, Mercy and Truth engulf you, cloak you and keep you in Perfect Peace,
Rachel Gwendolyn (the exceedingly proud granddaughter of a great Patriarch, JEROME WALTERS)