Fear is an awful thing

Terrifying fear instilled early enough is nearly impossible to rid, to erase, eradicate.  How can a man or a woman ever be the courageous beings GOD designed us to be if some strumpet terrorized and beat them bloody from birth?

I have no answer other than prayer.  Too many people misinterpret their own fear, call it wisdom and think they are living cautiously.  I can not criticize any one for looking the other way.   For stuffing their hurt and disappointment deep down inside. For pushing those terrifying memories out of their consciousness in order to survive.

No, you don't have to talk about it.  You can join your abuser in pretending that it never happened.  But, it will follow you like a black cloud.  It will haunt you.

For years and years I drove from Atlanta to Fayetteville, North Carolina to visit what I truly believed to be my loving mother.  Every time my car approached the sign that read Fort Gordon I broke into unexplainable tears.  I would become inconsolable.  I didn't know why.

Yes, I knew what I remembered.  I will never forget what my stepfather tried to do to me in that hotel when I was fourteen.  I remember screaming! causing a disturbance.  I remember the military police coming and my mother following them back to the stockade to bail him out.  I remember begging her to tell the m.p.s what he had done and her refusing.

I remember the long ride back to Fayetteville with them.  I remember walking in on them screwing like two hogs the very next day.  I remember they were not in the least bit embarrassed and never stopped.  I remember asking her if she was going to divorce him? Her telling me; "No, got to git dat money honey!"

I do remember sensing that she had All to do with it.  Of course I suppressed it.  I had no where to go.  I was a child.  I had no father in evidence.

I watched, witnessed my mother do a lot of very common perverted sexual acts over the course of my life.  I refused to deal with it.   I followed the lead of my grandfather, looked the other way, said nothing.  Got up and went to church with her every Sunday.  Laughed, thought it was comical how she called us to prayer every  Sunday morning.  "Will you black a** muthaf****** Git in here! You muthaf****** know I got to pray!"

Yes, I am mystified by her pride and stubbornness.  More than anything I am mortified by the fact that a woman so common, so cold, devious and perverted has gotten away for so long.  Then I ask myself, did she truly get away?  GOD knows.  I know.  A lot of people know, actually.

Why is she still living?  GOD has a purpose for her life.  Why is she still lying and denying?  What else can she do? That's her way, that her m.o. (modus operindi).

Many people think I am angry and upset about what she did to me as a child, as a young adult.  While that certainly disturbs me.  That is not my issue.  I caught her deep in her demonic root working against me when I was old.  I caught her trying to destroy us.  She was elated when my brother lost his house.  She laughed as if she were crediting her great ability to conjure.  She was delighted when my other brother went from "sugar to s***".  Lost his medical practice and had to end up living with her.

She talks about all of her grandchildren like a dog.  Hates all of them for being born dark skinned.

Dear LORD, it looks like I am one of the very few that escaped the suffocating strangulating grasp of this monstrosity. Praise the LORD!

Stay in His WORD children.  Remember;"Apart from Christ we are nothing."

May GOD's Grace, Mercy and Truth engulf you, cloak you and keep you in Perfect Peace,
Rachel Gwendolyn (the exceedingly proud granddaughter of a great Patriarch,JEROME WALTERS)