What I've learned ..

In researching my mother's condition, malignant bipolar narcissistic Stupidity (disorder), I learned these people all use the same m.o. (modus operindi).  They do not or can not love.  They can't love anything or anyone.  They can want .  As a matter of fact, all they do is want.  With big greedy eyes they want every thing they see.

They are often great whores, very promiscuous because they lack any self discipline, are very impulsive and the most convincing liars in the world.  Their active imaginations kick in every time they spy  their next prey.

One thing they make sure of is sibling rivalry.  They make sure each child fights the others for attention. Of course she does this to her children.  This is what she always did to her men.   Martha was very beautiful in her youth and her favorite thing was to blow a man's mind, take his money and break his heart.

She always laughed, thought it was funny.  Ladies, if you can't love your man chances are you will not be able to love your children.  Some of you will want to punish them.  If you are a jealous natured person you will be envious of your children,  If you are slow and thick headed you will begrudge then the opportunities you claimed they robbed you of.

Psychiatrists declare it is a condition.  I say she is demonic, demon possessed.

Well they play puppeteer with their young, assign each his or her role.  She has the Golden Child, the one she praises and molds into the narcissist she is.  And then there is me, the Scape Goat, the one she blames for everything, knowing full well she is the culprit.

Most will never tell on her because her sins must be kept hidden.  If the world discovers your truth you will instantly become a leper. Your lack of faith in GOD will not let you see how she has totally ruined your life. (You are protecting your jailer, fool!)  Just like the house n***** during slavery, you will remain loyal and vow to take her secrets to your grave.  You love her more than she loves herself.

The other children are just flying monkeys (as in the Wizard of OZ), little imps she calls on to do her bedding from time to time.  She calls them often to rant, rave, brag, cry and lie.  They are so grateful for the attention that they don't care.

My mother left us alone (toddlers) with no food for about four days.  She did it all the time.  She would drive to the "country", put on an act in front of her father and beg to take us for the weekend (she just loved us so much).  Then she would need some money of course, drive us to  Bridges street in Fayetteville, and just leave us unattended," unfeed", unwashed for days.

How do I know? She told me, laughed about it.  "Yall sho' wuz some smart churin ... nevah opened the do', never set no fi!"

What's my point? Why did she pick me out of the 6 to be her scape goat?  What did she see in me that she had to suppress or destroy?   Was she jealous that I was more disciplined, better looking, my long luscious hair, my intelligence, what was it?

The truth is out of 6 children, I am the most like her.  By that I mean the meanest.  It is only by the Grace of my Living LORD that I never caught a case for murder.  Wrong me if you wanted to, you better prepare to die.

I can credit both my mother and grandfather for my sincere desire to protect myself and not ever let anyone get away with messing over me.  When I was 8 years old my granddaddy took me out and taught me how to shoot a  .22 rifle properly.

My grandfather was not a racist but he used the "n" word quite extensively because he was born in the south in 1894.  As he taught me to shoot that day he reminded me again; "Dawthur don't you eva' let no sorry n**** mess ova' you.  And don't nevah pull no gun on no n***** unless you plan to use it, and if you use it don't be playing, shoot tuh kill!"

I put the pieces together and understand better why my grandfather taught me to defend myself.  He didn't want to tell me what happened to his little girl at eight years old but, he didn't want it to happen to me either.  "Feisty" is what they called me. Some have called me masculine.  Perhaps.  I know one thing, with more people like me, we would have a lot fewer bullies in the world.

The truth is I am not mean.  I'm just old, sick and tired of the wicked getting away with inflicting so much pain in the world.  I'm tired of our children being misused and abused by parents that don't love them.

I am tired of the well heeled and powerful pretending that they don't hear and making sure you know that they don't care.

Here I sit, old, tired and too fat, running off at the mouth still trying to reach people, to teach people.  " ... the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice." (Dr.MLK,Jr)

Stay in prayer children.

Rachel,

Copyright July 24, 2013 All rights reserved