"Yo' ugh lie!"

That's what my daughter said to my mother when she was twelve.  That one comment would become the basis of my mother's very pronounced opinion of my child.  "She half raised! She ain't got no manners!"

I laughed, thought it was humorous.  If anything, my daughter was more like my mother than I was. I am not saying that I am timid.  If anything I am extremely rebellious and outspoken. (The result of an overbearing controlling mother I am sure.)

Perhaps sad to say, see or recognize, but with 20/20 hindsight, I can now clearly identify the "gas lighting" effect my mother had on me, on my daughter, on my family.

Martha labeled us both "stuck up".  Said my daughter thought she was "better than", was snooty, because she graduated from Boston University!

We earned our degrees! If you want a degree, earn one.  But what ever you do, don't hate on your "loved ones" that were privileged enough, tenacious enough to earn one.

My grandfather taught me;" We didn't come here to stay always.  Man has an appointed time to die.  When it is your time, it is your time."

I will not live my life fearing imminent death.  It is coming, when it is coming.  I will not fear an ogre, at least not anymore.  Sure, it took me an extremely long time to figure Martha out.  I saw, saw it everyday, yet chose to "dis-believe".

Was I horrified or complacent? Apathetic even. (Or was it that bud I smoked in the 80s?) Was I worn down, just another docile slave?  I sincerely believed that I was truly helping her and I am not ashamed to admit it now, but she fooled me too.  Kept me on the hook with the rest of her "fish".   Fooled me just as smooth as she had all those men she swindled.

The same way she fooled her daddy.  Every month, a the first of the every month, Martha rolled up driving her big Cadillac , with her hand out.  With a sad story.  Her latest,  too young husband,  had emptied her bank account, turned off the gas, water and telephone in order to collect the deposit money , just so he could make in "his getaway".

Not one time in his long life did he ever deny his only daughter. A kind gentle man, he never said I told you so.

I want the world to understand why I am so brokenhearted.  For a woman to be so psychologically damaged, so confused, ungrateful, uncaring, unrelenting, and unstopped for 87 years, crushes me.
I feel like an elephant is setting on my chest.  I can't breath.  Few people care.  Is it my race? my skin color? my breath?

Am I stupid? too demanding.  My mother declared that I was the wrong color!  Actually thanked GOD out loud, every day; "At  least you got good hair!"

LORD, did slavery do that to US? Not just black people, all people.  Who taught us to divide collective humanity into "teams" competing, killing and hating each other.   For what!?  I have driven across this country, from the east coast to the west coast several times. (Thanks to the commands of my wonderful, the best blessing of my entire life, daughter)

This country is HUGE! I saw so much land barely inhabited, but we scream; "Guard our southern borders!" While you know full well people on the norther border say "F*** You" to rules concerning immigration.

"Complexion for the connection!" Bulls***!

Truthfully, we all get the life we don't deserve .  Live, finally expire and who really gives a shit after six months anyway?

Still pressing on.  Still waging my lonely campaign against child abuse, elderly abuse, lying, "root working", false preaching, anti-intellectuals spreading ignorance.

You come in this world alone and you will leave alone.  Praise the LORD!

[Excerpt from The JR WALTERS Chronicles  September 10, 2014  All rights reserved.]