Learning my truth

Evil is so unnecessary, it is always caused by jealousy and carnal lust.  The vile evil  doer can not be talked of her demonic deeds if she thinks she is winning, is convinced she is invisible.  My poor mother lived for eighty-seven years screaming lies, brutalizing, assaulting, exploiting, fornicating, committing adultery, incest, pedophilia, witchcraft and murder.

Martha Jane Walters Hodges Doster Watson Lamoureax had to be the most miserable depraved person that ever lived.  I do believe she was consumed with self loathing.  She had to be because she was so disgustingly common.  I do remember telling her what I overheard the ladies saying about her in church.  They said she was as common as bat shit.

My mother bristled, was very upset.  You can be sure she never said one word to those women.  Martha was a coward.  Make her mad and she would put a "root" on you.  She would talk about you behind your back, make up disgusting lies, pin her repugnant sin on you but she would never confront you.

Martha was consumed with extreme depilating envy and jealousy for eighty-seven years because she was full of pride, thought she was smarter than GOD and was delusional enough to believe she possessed demonic power.

Sure, she had some power.  I saw her do some "thangs" .  We did not need to fear her however.  Instead or running, caving, permitting her to have her way for the sake of peace we should have stood up to her.  She was a roaring lion and she was as savage and primitive as a cave man, common as a dog except on Sunday.

There was no sin my mother was reluctant to commit during the week but,  come Sunday, LORD have mercy.  It is hilarious.  She would get up early , prepare a big breakfast of salt fish and grits.  Set the table and make us all sit around while she prayed the longest prayer possible.  By the time she finished the grits were ice cold and the grease on the grits had  turned back into lard.

We were all required to memorize and recite one passage of scripture.  New scripture, we were not permitted to repeat a verse we had already used.  Except for one brother, he was a bully just like her.
His scripture was; "Jesus wept." "That's my verse and don't none of you damn niggers take it!"

I just want to know why?  Did she think she was fooling GOD? Was she fooling herself?  Was she feeling guilty for prostituting on the side? Whoring with young adolescent boys? For reading palms, Tarot cards, working "roots"?

You can not trade evil for good!  Martha was caught in a loop.  She hated herself because she was filthy with sin.  Her self-loathing caused her to become sadistic, to commit unconscionable acts.  The unconscionable acts feed her self-loathing which led to more plotting and committing more disgusting acts.

One thing for sure, you were not going to criticize Mathy.  You were not going to point out one flaw.  You were going to go along with her bullshit.  You were going to shut the fuck up!  If Mathy Jane wanted to play preacher on Sunday by damn you better let her.  While you are at it develop selective amnesia, give up your manhood and all hopes and dreams.  Just lay down, let the slut walk all over you,  ruin you , talk about you like a damn dog.  Stand stoic, listen to her lie on you to your loved ones in your presence.  Say something!  Say something and suffer! The last thing any of us ever wanted was to get put on Mathy's  shit list.

I was born on her shit list.  The fact I was born black and female doomed me from the beginning.  Ignorant delusional Martha saw me as a sexual rival.  She could not see or set boundaries.  Sex was sex to her, age and kinship meant absolutely nothing.

Since I was a rival I was fair game for her brand of destruction and complete annihilation.  Pretending to be a loving mother put her in a perfect position.  I was Esau , my brother was Jacob, my mother was Rebekah and my grandfather was Isaac.

Rebekah was a low cunning conniving woman that deliberately deceived her husband, Isaac to rob Esau of his birthright.  My evil mother attempted to rob me for sixty-two years.  She really thought she accomplished her evil deed, died laughing believing she had thoroughly destroyed me.  She felt so good about it, she finally admitted it, scoffed, cursed me and GOD.

Why? You were the wrong doer.  You became a whore so low, so fallen,  you murdered one to the greatest men that ever lived while still lusting for a pervert that you used to destroy your own children.

My mother always tried to convince us that sex was so good she could not help herself.  She was a liar, a controller, an idiot, a fool determined to dictate to GOD, to keep every one on the earth out of the Kingdom because she couldn't get in.

"Shun the very presence of evil."