no doubt ...I didn't have no doubt." Thenarcissistinyourlife.com said what I already knew; "Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult life experiences. It causes deep psychic pain. Her serious psychopathology will never change."
You can't win if you have a nm (narcissistic mother). You will suffer tremendously with or without her. I have chosen the latter. I did not expect the scorn and retribution I have received from my own brothers and "kin". It's cool. I thought that you had abandoned me. That is not true. You were never with me or for me in the first place. She got to you early. Of course I heard her. I was a "lame" just like she said and I didn't know what she was doing. "Gwen is a snake, she sneaky." " Gwen is Miss Rich Bitch! She think she bedder dan us."
Martha is a woman that is very confused to say the least. She hates all women that she perceives to be more attractive or smarter or have more material wealth. Let me put it this way, if you are ugly, black and broke you might be safe.
She is a closet lesbian. I am sure she is the "bulldagger". Her sexual preference has nothing to do with her perversion, her pedophilia. The fact is she is a very cruel, selfish, greedy, uncaring, unloving woman. It is her greed and narcissism that cause her to exploit men, women and children sexually.
Putting all that aside, I forgive her for her slow sick torture. I will not forgive her for murdering my grandfather. That is something she never had to do. That was beyond the pale.
I will not rest. Some one is going to finally hear me. Justice will prevail for Jerome Walters!
My online psychiatrist recommended gentle hath yoga, Journaling, Walking, Solitude and Crying. I said wow, I'm ahead of the game.
Stay in His WORD children. If you were born tethered to a monster GOD will deliver you too. Remember:"Apart from Christ you are nothing."
May GOD's Grace, Mercy and Truth, engulf you, cloak you and keep you in Perfect Peace,
Rachel Gwendolyn Doster (the exceedingly proud granddaughter of a great Patriarch, JEROME WALTERS)
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
I'll never forget it...
we were riding down the highway on our way to Hawkinsville, Georgia. I was in the back seat with my brother. We were practically swallowed up in this huge 1959 Ninety-eight Oldsmobile. It was brand new, it had more chrome than it had paint. My mother's husband, my so-called "stepfather" was driving, wearing his Army uniform. He was a Sargent in Uncle Sam's army.
We were sitting quietly in the back seat, dutiful little minions. Doster was driving much too fast with his pistol hidden under his seat. My mother was sitting next to him, much too proud. All "yalla", perfect make-up, looking "white" and immaculately dressed. Suddenly we came to a halt. The traffic was stopped. There was a huge accident up in front of us. Our car inched forward for what seemed like hours. When we finally neared the scene of the accident we could see bodies strewn across the road and on the side of the highway. The ambulance had not yet reached the scene.
For some reason my "stepfather" summoned the state trooper to his rolled down window and announced proudly that he was a trained medical technician, then offered his assistance. The trooper responded in anger and in the most racist graphic tones yelled at him "Get the F*** Oudda' heah N****!"
Doster drove down the road cussing about this ignorant racist cop. He had the nerve to be offended in the racist south in 1959. He had the nerve to think that his status in life now made him equal to a white man. Doster continued to fume, to be hurt and offended. I was secretly glad that white man had called him a n****. I was sorry the cop hadn't blown his **** brains out.
No child on this earth should have to bear some pervert's shame.
We were sitting quietly in the back seat, dutiful little minions. Doster was driving much too fast with his pistol hidden under his seat. My mother was sitting next to him, much too proud. All "yalla", perfect make-up, looking "white" and immaculately dressed. Suddenly we came to a halt. The traffic was stopped. There was a huge accident up in front of us. Our car inched forward for what seemed like hours. When we finally neared the scene of the accident we could see bodies strewn across the road and on the side of the highway. The ambulance had not yet reached the scene.
For some reason my "stepfather" summoned the state trooper to his rolled down window and announced proudly that he was a trained medical technician, then offered his assistance. The trooper responded in anger and in the most racist graphic tones yelled at him "Get the F*** Oudda' heah N****!"
Doster drove down the road cussing about this ignorant racist cop. He had the nerve to be offended in the racist south in 1959. He had the nerve to think that his status in life now made him equal to a white man. Doster continued to fume, to be hurt and offended. I was secretly glad that white man had called him a n****. I was sorry the cop hadn't blown his **** brains out.
No child on this earth should have to bear some pervert's shame.
What you do for GOD will last.
His WORD is everlasting. I reiterate, "What you do for GOD will last." Leading young people, your own children into captivity because you were foolish enough to go, will not last. It will not sustain your "high", your "narcissistic supply".
GOD will ask you, how many did you lead out of captivity? Playing coy, unaware, naive or mentally infirm can no longer suffice. Why didn't you notice that you had become too evil, too depraved?
There is room at the alter. There is room at the foot of the cross. "Who so ever will let him come." There is Joy in GOD's house. There is Joy because there is no lying there, no demon possessed children there. "Always howdy, howdy and never good-bye."
I pray to GOD with the greatest conviction that one day I will be able to say that I don't hate my "mother". You must forgive me. You must pray for me. I truly hate her with a passion. I hate her trickery, depravity, her lying, her stealth. I hate the fact that she is loved, or thought to be loved. To be totally truthful, I don't even like people that I think like her. I find them to be pitifully stupid.
But, I was pitifully stupid once also. Blindly following every stupid command. GOD sent her to this earth for a reason. GOD let her rage and ruin for a reason. "Trouble don't last always" is the truth I hold on to.
I do thank GOD that she was unable to do her worse. I thank GOD for her father Jerome Walters. I pray that GOD will lead others out of the captivity she had me bound in.
Am I sorry that I will not be able to attend the family reunion? I can't break bread with her. Not now, not knowing full well that I know what I know. As a matter of fact I never want to lay eyes on her again in life. She is an abomination, a needless thing.
People try so hard to better themselves, to get an education, to live right, to live for the LORD. Then you have these kind of creatures to crawl up into innocent families to do do their worse. To do their damnest to destroy every shred of happiness and joy secretly. GOD warned us about this generation of vipers.
GOD is going to tear them asunder. In that day they will wish that a millstone had been tied around their necks. Was she needed? Evidently. She's still here. She's still lying and attempting to "work" her "roots". Yes she looks like a complete fool, a throw back to the most primitive form of slavery.
Of course I am embarrassed and ashamed. But, I am compelled by the Holy Spirit. I can not keep her a secret. I will not hide her in a closet. If nothing else I must warn the innocent. "Come away from there! Stay away from her. She is a deep ditch. She is a narrow pit. Read Proverbs 22! Read every WORD of it!"
"Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease." You can't fix a lying harlot. Loving on her and pretending she is not what she is will not help.
"(S)He who sows injustice will reap calamity, and the rod of (her)his fury will fail." Calamity is here. Calamity is on her doorstep (finally).
I do thank GOD for His Grace, Mercy and Truth as I search for that Perfect Peace.
GOD will ask you, how many did you lead out of captivity? Playing coy, unaware, naive or mentally infirm can no longer suffice. Why didn't you notice that you had become too evil, too depraved?
There is room at the alter. There is room at the foot of the cross. "Who so ever will let him come." There is Joy in GOD's house. There is Joy because there is no lying there, no demon possessed children there. "Always howdy, howdy and never good-bye."
I pray to GOD with the greatest conviction that one day I will be able to say that I don't hate my "mother". You must forgive me. You must pray for me. I truly hate her with a passion. I hate her trickery, depravity, her lying, her stealth. I hate the fact that she is loved, or thought to be loved. To be totally truthful, I don't even like people that I think like her. I find them to be pitifully stupid.
But, I was pitifully stupid once also. Blindly following every stupid command. GOD sent her to this earth for a reason. GOD let her rage and ruin for a reason. "Trouble don't last always" is the truth I hold on to.
I do thank GOD that she was unable to do her worse. I thank GOD for her father Jerome Walters. I pray that GOD will lead others out of the captivity she had me bound in.
Am I sorry that I will not be able to attend the family reunion? I can't break bread with her. Not now, not knowing full well that I know what I know. As a matter of fact I never want to lay eyes on her again in life. She is an abomination, a needless thing.
People try so hard to better themselves, to get an education, to live right, to live for the LORD. Then you have these kind of creatures to crawl up into innocent families to do do their worse. To do their damnest to destroy every shred of happiness and joy secretly. GOD warned us about this generation of vipers.
GOD is going to tear them asunder. In that day they will wish that a millstone had been tied around their necks. Was she needed? Evidently. She's still here. She's still lying and attempting to "work" her "roots". Yes she looks like a complete fool, a throw back to the most primitive form of slavery.
Of course I am embarrassed and ashamed. But, I am compelled by the Holy Spirit. I can not keep her a secret. I will not hide her in a closet. If nothing else I must warn the innocent. "Come away from there! Stay away from her. She is a deep ditch. She is a narrow pit. Read Proverbs 22! Read every WORD of it!"
"Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease." You can't fix a lying harlot. Loving on her and pretending she is not what she is will not help.
"(S)He who sows injustice will reap calamity, and the rod of (her)his fury will fail." Calamity is here. Calamity is on her doorstep (finally).
I do thank GOD for His Grace, Mercy and Truth as I search for that Perfect Peace.
"None but the righteous..."
I keep singing that song. I can't get it out of my head. "None but the righteous shall see GOD." That goes for me, you, every body. You have to be righteous, you have to live right. We don't sing "The ones that got away with the most shall see GOD." "The ones that are thought the most of and held in high esteem shall see GOD." "The truly wickedest that conned their congregation, friends and relatives shall see GOD." Or "The longest livers shall see GOD."
Fact is there are far too many wicked people on this earth. Too many that occupy high places are in authority over good, silent, clueless innocent victims. Sure, we would like to believe kind words, a beautiful smile and even token gifts mean that "they" are in fact good people also. Calling out and identifying "demons" is hard and thankless work. Naive "deceived believers" would rather cast dispersion on you, revile and hate you. Treat you with the disdain they would never have the courage to show that "demon".
Just grin with her. Continue to laugh with her. Live with her. She's not that bad. Just go along with her lies and deny what you know to be true. You know what she did to you but it is too painful , you refuse to believe it, recall it or relive it. That would make your mother a monster. You don't want her to be a monster, so you just play along. You refuse to believe that she is the sick nauseating brain scrambling revolting headache that she is. She plays normal and playful so easily. Go along with that until her next episode. She'll be dead soon anyway.
No, son there will be another episode. She can't help it. She has no control. What ever that demonic spirit dictates, she will do. Brace your self it it coming. You and I know it is coming. You stayed away for decades. Waiting for her to be healed. You can't heal from what you deny. You can't heal calling every accuser a liar and insisting that you and only you are perfect. You can't play kind "Christian" if you are in fact a closeted sadist demonic freak.
The world must continue to believe that you are perfect. You must pretend that you are not fractured, injured or damaged in any way. That your life is together, a smooth oiled machine. You refuse to believe that she ruined your first marriage, caused your house to burn down or to be foreclosed on. It doesn't make any sense. "Why I do dat?" she questions plaintively, pretending to be an innocent grandmother.
Not a chance. GOD let me know better. GOD let me know some things. Yes, they are repulsive, repugnant. True, I would rather not know them. Evidently these are things that GOD said you must know. The world needs to know.
Young girls, young men, rebelliousness is not cute. Talking disrespectfully to your parents and cussing them out to prove you have mastered a vulgar vocabulary will not serve you well. Refusing to take responsibility for your own actions and deliberately telling lies on others to make you look good will not last. Extreme cruelty may keep you "unknown" for a long time. But, you will be known.
There will come a day when you have to pay up. You will have to give in account to GOD. Refusing to remember or own up to your terrible past will not help. Demanding loyalty from the very people that you have ruined and tortured your whole life is actually more selfish than your foul sadistic life.
Where is your help? Where is Satan when you need him? Why did GOD let you get away with so much so long? How can a sick sadist be such a whimpering coward?
No, it is not too late. When you are covered up in that box with your foul corpse rotting will be too late. No, your living was not in vain. I assure you the example you set will save perhaps millions. I don't think as many will be as quick to run to "witchcraft". Even fewer will "touch" their children. I am sure more will read and search their Bibles for themselves.
I continue to pray for your courage and deliverance.
Stay in His WORD children. Remember; "Apart from Christ you are nothing."
May GOD's Grace, Mercy, and Truth, engulf you. cloak you and keep you in Perfect Peace,
Rachel Gwendolyn Doster (the exceedingly proud granddaughter of a great Patriarch, JEROME WALTERS)
Fact is there are far too many wicked people on this earth. Too many that occupy high places are in authority over good, silent, clueless innocent victims. Sure, we would like to believe kind words, a beautiful smile and even token gifts mean that "they" are in fact good people also. Calling out and identifying "demons" is hard and thankless work. Naive "deceived believers" would rather cast dispersion on you, revile and hate you. Treat you with the disdain they would never have the courage to show that "demon".
Just grin with her. Continue to laugh with her. Live with her. She's not that bad. Just go along with her lies and deny what you know to be true. You know what she did to you but it is too painful , you refuse to believe it, recall it or relive it. That would make your mother a monster. You don't want her to be a monster, so you just play along. You refuse to believe that she is the sick nauseating brain scrambling revolting headache that she is. She plays normal and playful so easily. Go along with that until her next episode. She'll be dead soon anyway.
No, son there will be another episode. She can't help it. She has no control. What ever that demonic spirit dictates, she will do. Brace your self it it coming. You and I know it is coming. You stayed away for decades. Waiting for her to be healed. You can't heal from what you deny. You can't heal calling every accuser a liar and insisting that you and only you are perfect. You can't play kind "Christian" if you are in fact a closeted sadist demonic freak.
The world must continue to believe that you are perfect. You must pretend that you are not fractured, injured or damaged in any way. That your life is together, a smooth oiled machine. You refuse to believe that she ruined your first marriage, caused your house to burn down or to be foreclosed on. It doesn't make any sense. "Why I do dat?" she questions plaintively, pretending to be an innocent grandmother.
Not a chance. GOD let me know better. GOD let me know some things. Yes, they are repulsive, repugnant. True, I would rather not know them. Evidently these are things that GOD said you must know. The world needs to know.
Young girls, young men, rebelliousness is not cute. Talking disrespectfully to your parents and cussing them out to prove you have mastered a vulgar vocabulary will not serve you well. Refusing to take responsibility for your own actions and deliberately telling lies on others to make you look good will not last. Extreme cruelty may keep you "unknown" for a long time. But, you will be known.
There will come a day when you have to pay up. You will have to give in account to GOD. Refusing to remember or own up to your terrible past will not help. Demanding loyalty from the very people that you have ruined and tortured your whole life is actually more selfish than your foul sadistic life.
Where is your help? Where is Satan when you need him? Why did GOD let you get away with so much so long? How can a sick sadist be such a whimpering coward?
No, it is not too late. When you are covered up in that box with your foul corpse rotting will be too late. No, your living was not in vain. I assure you the example you set will save perhaps millions. I don't think as many will be as quick to run to "witchcraft". Even fewer will "touch" their children. I am sure more will read and search their Bibles for themselves.
I continue to pray for your courage and deliverance.
Stay in His WORD children. Remember; "Apart from Christ you are nothing."
May GOD's Grace, Mercy, and Truth, engulf you. cloak you and keep you in Perfect Peace,
Rachel Gwendolyn Doster (the exceedingly proud granddaughter of a great Patriarch, JEROME WALTERS)
Friday, June 15, 2012
I finally get it!
It is not the deed, it's the stealth. She wasn't bragging about selling "lip reducing cream". It was her cunning that she was rejoicing over. It was her ability to be invisible, "unseen". I must quote my friend Alice Lovelace; "It is a secret war, enemy unseen."
You can't fight a phantom. That's unfair. Hugging on me, kissing on me, pretending to love me while stabbing me in the back. I will not ask you why. You don't know why.
Beating me all in the head, slapping me in my blind face. Pretending that you were concerned that I was a slow learner, that I was retarded. When did you ever care about anything I learned in school? That was a ruse.
When I reflect back, when have you not had some elaborate ruse? Cursing my brother heartlessly for asking to keep his brand new ten speed Swinn bicycle in the storage room. Storage room! That's what a storage room is for *****! "LEAVE IT OUTSIDE! I DON'T WANT DAT MUTHAF******* BIKE IN MY HOUSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" You cut the fool you idiot! You were just mad because granddaddy bought him a brand new expensive bike. Jealous **!
So granddaddy bought him a pedigreed puppy to replace the bike. Determined that you were going to win you caused the puppy to die painfully of distemper by refusing to get the dog vaccinated.
I will never forget how you carried on when we returned from Philadelphia to discover his brand new bike stolen. You pretended to be shocked, to be sorry, to be remorseful. I see you didn't come out of your pocket to buy him another one. "I didn't know XXX. I didn't know 'dese n***** would steal lak dat. I thought it wuz lak FT. Bragg."
****! You don't care for GOD or His righteousness. You just want to be a demon in the pulpit. You are so dumb you think that you are getting over on GOD.
You are a liar and the truth is NOT in you. You weren't that tired of granddaddy. You knew he was old and infirm. You get off on getting away with his MURDER!
Don't worry, I'm still praying for you. Stealth! It looks like you succeeded in out smarting yourself. What a mess.
You can't fight a phantom. That's unfair. Hugging on me, kissing on me, pretending to love me while stabbing me in the back. I will not ask you why. You don't know why.
Beating me all in the head, slapping me in my blind face. Pretending that you were concerned that I was a slow learner, that I was retarded. When did you ever care about anything I learned in school? That was a ruse.
When I reflect back, when have you not had some elaborate ruse? Cursing my brother heartlessly for asking to keep his brand new ten speed Swinn bicycle in the storage room. Storage room! That's what a storage room is for *****! "LEAVE IT OUTSIDE! I DON'T WANT DAT MUTHAF******* BIKE IN MY HOUSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" You cut the fool you idiot! You were just mad because granddaddy bought him a brand new expensive bike. Jealous **!
So granddaddy bought him a pedigreed puppy to replace the bike. Determined that you were going to win you caused the puppy to die painfully of distemper by refusing to get the dog vaccinated.
I will never forget how you carried on when we returned from Philadelphia to discover his brand new bike stolen. You pretended to be shocked, to be sorry, to be remorseful. I see you didn't come out of your pocket to buy him another one. "I didn't know XXX. I didn't know 'dese n***** would steal lak dat. I thought it wuz lak FT. Bragg."
****! You don't care for GOD or His righteousness. You just want to be a demon in the pulpit. You are so dumb you think that you are getting over on GOD.
You are a liar and the truth is NOT in you. You weren't that tired of granddaddy. You knew he was old and infirm. You get off on getting away with his MURDER!
Don't worry, I'm still praying for you. Stealth! It looks like you succeeded in out smarting yourself. What a mess.
GOD can do anything ...
but fail. So why anyone could think she was smart enough, clever enough, had enough "hoodoo" or black magic to defeat GOD is beyond my scope of understanding.
It did in fact happen. I am a living witness, survivor and thrivevor. The fact that her other victims don't say anything is not hard to understand. They haven't come to yet. They remain in a comatose state. Perhaps it is for their own good. If awakened too early they could hurt her.
Yes, she should repent. Pray for her strength and courage. I'm glad I found out that cruelty is not courage, revenge is not justice.
She is a slick one to the end. She has my brothers convinced that "telling on her" is some type of revenge. She has them convinced that she loves them and that she is going to leave them well off. If she is so concerned with their well being in her after life why did she spend her whole life trying to destroy them?
Why did she wait until my brother had completely renovated his house, "the house" before she made the call to the sheriff to make sure it would be burned to the ground? Jealousy! She couldn't live in it. She didn't want to live in it, but she didn't want him to have it. He might out do her in some way. He might end up with more money and one day buy his own Cadillac.
Why couldn't her son have a successful band? Why couldn't he be a successful musician? Was it because he reminded her of her infidelity? He was the spitting image of his father. Why hate the child? Why couldn't you hate yourself?
Why wouldn't you let your son be a successful doctor? You ruined him every way possible. He too reminded you of his father, the man you hated because he refused to marry you. Just who could marry you? Who can stand you? You can't stand yourself.
So you (secretly) hate GOD. You so secretly hate GOD you can't admit it to yourself. You preach, but you don't listen. You preach, but you lie.
We all know how much you hate that daughter. Do you hate her because she can think? Because she can see through you? Did you want to be her? Did you want her sense of morality? her anointing? Did you want her talent? You had the talent first! She learned to write from you. She got her boldness and courage as a result of your stealth cruelty and torture.
No, don't look at the calendar . Look at the Clock! "The hour is drawing nigh." It is later than we all think. Your daddy told you; "We didn't come here to stay always dawthur."
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