"If there be any goodness ...

think on these things."  That is my first thought, that is my prayer.  I wake up marveling at the goodness of GOD for saving me from this incredibly evil, sadistic, still closeted, still secret sociopath.  A creature too diabolical to comprehend.  She is 86 and still refuses to be criticized, known, let alone punished.  SHE WILL NOT BE PUNISHED!

 " I am more powerful than Gawd! she swears.  I am smarter than Gawd she screams.  I proved it!  I'm 86! I won!  I ain't nevah been caught!  I 'm a preacha' I'M AN ORDAINED MINISTER IN DUH A.M.E.ZION CHURCH! I got proof dat I'm perfect!  I got proof dat I ain't nevah been wrong! I'm smarter dan Gawd! Ain't nun of dem n***** gon' eva' tell on me!  Ain't none of dem n****** gon' eva' do nuttin' neither!  Dey jest gon' honor me and shut duh F*** Up!"

She is ancient and still refuses to be corrected, to be criticized, known, let alone punished.  You will not tell on her.  You will not call her what she is.  You will not know it.  If you do you better pretend that you don't. If you tell on her or if she thinks you ever had one negative thought she will conjure you.  If you don't tell on her she will conjure you.  If you visit her and try to love her she will conjure you.  Sure she will love on you to your face.  She will very successfully hide her hatred while she murders every dream you were foolish enough to share with her.

If you accidentally criticize her in the least and reveal the slightest truth she will conjure you.  If you admonish her she will conjure you.  If you shun her she will conjure you and rally her minions to hate you worse.  She will devise schemes and plot against you worse than she did when you professed your love and tried to love her.

You are hers.  You are her property.  She can do what ever she pleases to you and you better not move, you better not indicate that you are wise to her.  Humble yourself, praise her, feed her ravenous ego.  Slay yourself, beat yourself, defeat yourself.  Ruin your life.  She was dumb enough, rebellious enough to ruin hers.  Ruin yours!  You can never be smarter than her.  You can never be wiser.  GOD can not bless you!

Say deprecating vicious things about yourself.  Live humbly, live in squalor.  Have nothing.  Lose every material piece of wealth you ever had.  Follow her around like a whipped puppy begging for her scraps.  Lose all of your friends and family.  Lose your health and all of your money. LOSE YOUR F******MIND!

She is still not satisfied.  You smiled, you had a moment without grief.  Be grief stricken and tormented.  Tell her!  Share your excruciating pain with her!  She is still not satisfied.  That good feeling she got is too fleeting.
Let her twist her hot burning knife in your back again. SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEM!!!

She is still unsatisfied.  Erase your mind. Blot out her inequities.  Forget everything bad she ever did.  Praise her! PRAISE HER!!!  Don't you love GOD!  Don't love your granddaddy.   As a matter of fact don't you love anybody, ever!
She is still walking, waking up complaining.  You can't get her grits right.  You didn't vacuum her room
 thoroughly, you left some lent and dust in the corner.  You didn't wash and fold her underwear correctly.  You didn't give her your entire check.  You remembered she used to smoke cigarettes and you were fool enough to insist that you were right.  You didn't compliment her enough times today.  You didn't spend enough time sitting up under her today doing nothing.  You accidently said something nice about your grandfather.  You've got to pay.  You know you've got to pay.  "Come git yo' beatin'!"  You will pay dearly.

Pretend she's rich.  Pay close attention.  Change your mind every time she changes hers.  Pretend she is the smartest most powerful woman that ever lived.  Declare your love again. LOUDER!  Tell her that you are going to be devastated when she finally dies.  Make sure she knows that you hate everyone she hates.  Laugh when she laughs, cry when she crys.  Go to church with her.  Tell her how she is the smartest.  Tell her how her sermon is the best.  Tell her she is still beautiful.  Tell her she can pass for 35 at 86.  Tell her she could has passed for white.  Tell her how racists whites and dumb n**** robbed her.  Lie prostrate at her feet.  Tell her that you love her more than GOD.  Trust her more than GOD.  Show her how you trust her more than GOD. Mold yourself in her image.  Belittle yourself.  Shrink.  Hate yourself.  Hate yourself for being so dumb.  Hate yourself for being born and troubling her.  Hate yourself for making her mistreat you.

Do nothing with your life.  Stay in your room and rot.  Remember nothing.  You're nothing.  You're garbage, blessed to have a good high yalla, damn near white mother with good hair like her.  Now defend her.   Hate everyone that hates her.  Agree that everyone has always lied on her.  Everyone has always been jealous of her.

Give up.  Let her have her way.  The Bible is wrong.  GOD is wrong.  That old do good all the time interfering granddaddy was wrong.  Don't care about him.  Pretend like she always loved him and didn't MURDER him.  Kiss her a**.  Kiss her a**!  Remain small.  Remain a little boy.  You are a medical doctor.  But, forget that.  Live on SSI and give her your entire check.  You don't need any money if you have your mother's love.  You are unworthy.  You are a little black monkey.  "At least he's human!" still rings in your ear.  You were a very handsome little boy. But she taught you that you were ugly, too black.  She told you that you had an ugly "Af-e-cun n**** nose".  She violated you and convinced you that it was sex education.  She ruined you and told you that you were queer anyway.
.
You are unworthy of her love.  You have to pay for it.  Forget and forgive every horrible act she committed against you.  Deny, deny! She told the teacher to hold you back in the second grade.  She did it to humiliate you.  She did it because your white teacher told her you were a genius.   She was jealous.  She set out to prove to you that you were dumb.  Deny it, deny it.  You can not live knowing that truth. She ruined your life.  Pretend that she didn't.  You can't handle this truth.  If you face it, if you acknowledge it you might have to kill the *****.  You don't want to kill her.  You just want to love her.  You just want her to love you.

 That will make her happy.  That's why you were born, to make your white mother happy.  Hate your blabber mouth sister.  She's black.  She is just jealous of your beautiful mother.  Hate your sister with a passion because your mother told you to.  Stay high.  Take as many pills as you can.  Don't think for yourself.  Let your brilliant, beautiful damn near white mother think for you.  She loves you.  She has always loved you... well maybe she will finally love you.  Maybe she will finally say something kind about you.

"If there be any good things, think on these things."  Do not ask GOD why.  "Trouble don't last always."  "The wicked shall cease from troubling."  "Jesus will fix it."

"JESUS WILL FIX IT!"  though He tarry, Jesus will fix it!

Stay in His WORD children.  Remember; "Apart from Christ you are nothing."

May GOD's Grace, Mercy and Truth engulf you, cloak you and keep you in Perfect Peace,
Rachel Gwendolyn Doster, (the exceedingly proud granddaughter of a great Patriarch, JEROME WALTERS)