Mixed Signals

Mixed signals, hot love then cold, effusing with praise and platitudes, followed by vicious vulgar attacks. Up, down, all around, do it this way, don't do it that way "dummy". "You ain't s***!" one minute "Gawd blessed me with a beautiful daughter." the next minute. Me, the only daughter was a great anointed blessing one minute, a black evil curse the next, my status with the "family" depended on her whim.

Mathy Jane, a loose canon out of control, totally out of control one minute, the fantastic orator and preacher the next. Madam Watson the famous "Root Worker" turned "precha". "Root Worker" turned preacher without notice. Who knew she knew what she was doing was wrong?

She "said" that she turned her back on that "mess". But, did she? Why would a "precha" mail her only daughter a letter full of fecal matter? Why would a "precha" become enraged with jealousy when her daughter won a house? Why would a "precha" burn with secret hatred when her daughter proclaimed GOD's glory. She went around for a year telling every one that GOD was going to bless her with a house. She told her mother exactly how she did it.

Why would any mother be envious of GOD blessing her child? What causes such stupidity?

Yes I knew. How could I not know? You never had to be so vicious in your assaults. I got your silent message loud and clear.; ('I hate you! you f****** black bitch! I wish you were f******dead. No, you can't die right now. I need you to pimp out for money. I need you to keep my pig nasty house clean. I need you to humiliate and lead into captivity. Mostly I need someone to admire me, worship me, kiss my flat yalla a** over and over.')

Oh yea I got your very subtle, very secret clandestine messages very clearly. I knew that you didn't really think that I was too black. I knew that you were just trying to destroy my self esteem. It is funny, actually quite strange, I did not know that you were a demon! I just thought you were nuts.

GOD didn't let me know your hidden agenda. He didn't let me see what a hideous creature you really are. GOD knew that I would have killed you. I was too much like you. Yes, I was murderous. I was angry. I was full of self loathing for things that were done to me that I had no control over.

GOD blessed me, He put me to "sleep", He interceded on my behalf, He protected me from Evil. I knew at two, then three, four, eight, eleven, twelve, fourteen, eighteen. Those are the years that you struck most viciously. I wasn't allowed to say anything. I was forced to take it because to tell would make you look bad, would make you get in trouble. Plus I knew "Don't you damn black a** muthaf***** tell a Muthaf**** thang dat go on in dis house!"

You pulled a forty-five on my brother for telling your young lover that you were his mother. You still pretend that that never happened. Poof! It's gone, another bad thing that you never did. Your plan for redemption is a lot easier than GOD's. The world is stupid. Every one should grow in wisdom and truth your way. Just lie, just pretend. Your sins will go away! Poof! Call all of your accuser's liars! Beat them to the punch, lie on them! Go to the graveyard, get some more dust, go to your secret alter, lie, deny, hope the bitch dies.

I was in a play once; "When you sleep with the devil come prepared to f***" by Alice Lovelace. She may never know what a great title that was, how prophetic.

I know I am not going down with a demon. I know GOD has a purpose and a plan for my life. GOD has a purpose and a plan for hers.

Stay in His WORD children. "Keep yourself up much as you can." Remember, "Apart from Christ you are nothing."

Much Love, Peace, and Happiness,
Rachel