I have always been protected ...

always blessed.  Martha used to delight, purely relished telling me how she gave me away, abandoned me in a whore house.  She was actually proud of herself for being selfless enough, compassionate enough to go back and kidnap me at six months old.

Why didn't she know that she was admitting she was a prostitute or former prostitute that never stopped trading her body for money?   Even as a small child I instinctively knew she was trying to demean me, tear down my self esteem.  She did.  I felt so bad for being a black worthless bastard, for being unwanted I studied. I read ravenously.  Became a complete book worm soaking up knowledge concerning all the Liberal Arts.

Yes, I am still pretty horrified.  A female sexual predator, a vicious rapist that just happens to be your mother! That truth will tear you down, age you quickly.  My "friends" and "family" scream; "Git ova'it!  We tired hearing about it but , we  ain't gon'nevah tell nobody!  We are  not going to rebuke her either.  You just forget that ever happened to you.  Go on and live your life. (What ever is left of it.)"

That young man's scream still cuts through my brain like a hot machete;"Is That Your MOTHER!!!?" What was Mathy doing? Having group SEX!  In the daytime! In the Day Room of her lover! Three, four,  five young soldiers, I can't remember.  I can remember being ashamed! Mortified!  I remember I wanted to dig my own eyes out!

LORD Jesus Christ! You help me understand this, why did she hate me?  Why did she plot against me? Why did she stalk me for sixty-two years trying to destroy me while professing her great love?

"Because that, when they knew GOD, they glorified him not as GOD, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.  Professing themselves to be wise they became fools, And changed the glory of the incorruptible GOD into an image made like corruptible man…" (Romans 1:21-23a)

"No weapon formed against me shall prosper."

Something went way wrong in Mathy Jane.  I don't know when.  Was it before her rape? Was her incredible evil our destiny?

LORD I hate to admit this but,  I know it is true.  I never would have cared anything about you, would have never sought your face without that incredibly evil woman.  That is a shame.  Why must we suffer excruciating pain before we look to you?

If you are old, repent of your sins.  GOD loves you.  Love yourself.  Dumb Mathy didn't repent because she saw no need.  She did think she was winning, had won, laughed in my face.  Mocked and cursed me for what she had done to me.

GOD said No!