When I feel down I can fill the air and space with memories that make me happy, music!
I did notice something quite important, while distracting myself with music I don't have to think, I don't have to remember. I can dis-remember or un-remember if I want to. I do not have to get up another morning knowing my own mother MURDERED my saintly grandfather and got away.
Worse than my own mother getting away with with murder, no one cares. NO ONE! I am mortified. How did this world miss such a great man? I had to attend College and Graduate School to learn of Dr. Dubois, and many other great thinkers. Rousseau, DeCarte, Voltaire, Martin Luther, all great men.
My mother was born to one, to one of the greatest thinkers in the world, a wise sage. And this dumb slut murders him and gets away. You enslave your stupid ass self. I have come to the belief anyone suffering in this great country has some culpability. Sure racism is real but so is obstinance, so is foul immorality. My mother knew INCEST was wrong. Wrong never deterred Martha. She knew it was wrong to bludgeon that puppy to death, she did it any way, lied about it, got away.
A pattern of never having to accept responsibility for her own actions was established early and permanently in Martha's life. She was deeply disturbed just the same. The fact that she enjoyed, purely relished committing sick foul sadistic deeds spelled doom for us.
I know I'm humbled, I am prostrate with grateful thanksgiving to Almighty GOd for saving my life from that slut. I am grateful to GOD that I did not turn out worse. I am just humbled, bowing in awe, learning what I've learned about my own mother. Knowing what I know! Talk about a 'COME TO JESUS MOMENT"!
I get it, but I still don't get it. I know my mother was carnal, that sexual pleasure had the most prominent place in her mind and heart. I just don't get it. Sex has always been something I could take or leave. I am literally one of those "Fuck, fucking! Who gives a fuck?"
If my lack of sexual interest is the result of my mother's pre-occupation with my sexuality, my personal growth,pleasure or lack thereof, good.
Still, Martha was hard headed, rebellious and would not listen. I do think Martha did enjoy sex but not to the extent she pretended. She was a prostitute, caught , arrested and humiliated. Before she would admit to being wrong she tried to elavate sex to the pinnacle of man's greatest pleasure. Bullshit! It is money. Man loves money, sheer wealth over sex. Sex is just a benefit. Unfortunately , male or female, once you've conquered you lose interest.
For some reason Martha did demand to be worshipped. She did demand to be seen as perfect. The fool wanted me to be madly in love with her while treating me worse than shit. Fuck you bitch!
That is what Martha demanded from everyone. Malignant narcissism is blamed on bad parenting, poor mothering. Mothers that over indulge, over love their daughters produce malignant narcissist like my mother. Malignant narcissistic mothers produce fierce women like me. Women that are great critical thinkers but women that are mad, fucking angry, fed up. Hostile, loud, rude but love the LORD! I love Jesus Christ, the only righteous man that has ever walked this earth.
Jerome Walters was the only man I ever met that came close. I salute you Jerome Walters! Thank you for sharing your great wisdom with me.
"To GOD be the Glory!"
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