I'm just a nobody ...

trying to love somebody.  Please forgive me if I don't do it well.  Something inside me always told me she hated me with the deepest secret passion.  Why did she keep her deep loathing, her sincere hot molten hatred for me secret?  Because she knew it was wrong.  Martha always knew that she was a deeply disturbed person.  But, she loved it.  She welcomed evil, embraced it.  Cherished it like it was the Hope diamond.

Brother James warned us to not be "double minded".

She was also secretly sadistic.  Martha loved, lived to inflict excruciating pain , so she could play "mother".  She would kiss your boo-boo maybe.  She did slam all four of my fingers in the car door of her huge 98 Oldsmobile when I was eight.

I was screaming, accusing her of doing it on purpose.  We were in my grandfathers driveway, in front of his house.  I know now it was her jealousy.

She just walked away  …smooth, not one care in the world.  The secret whore did not so much as offer me a band-aide.  I reflect on  all the times I witnessed her walk away …smooth, sashaying, happy, actually gleeful.  After my rape at 8, sexual assault at 14.  She tied my 12 year old brother up , stripped him naked, beat him across his testicles.   He was a bloody mess. She deliberately beat the manhood out of him.

She told us ;"You bed'not tell nobody!"

Martha's jealousy was insane, irrational and if you trace her life back to her childhood, all the evidence is there.  (Look at her fruit!)

Do anything, get a compliment, a gift, praise, anything.  Anything as innocent as a smile, a loving hug from your grandfather.  Someone Martha secretly hated with a passion.  You were going to suffer.

The fact is Martha was going to punish you for just being you, for merely existing.  for being foolish enough to be born into her clutches, for trying desperately to love her.

"You should have never been born!  I don't want you!   I gave your black ass away!  You were born yalla, but YOU TURNED BLACK!"

Black!  Really Martha!  You hated me for the color of my skin!?  What about your first child?  He looks white!  He is white!  His hair is straight! Why did you mistreat him?  Why did you ruin his life?  Why did you secretly stalk him to your dying day?

Maybe,  I was no body to you.   Perhaps my skin color is repulsive to you.  But you my dear,  are repulsive to me!  A woman as common as you should never be permitted, tolerated.   Not around decent people, NOT IN THE CHURCH!  Not in Jerome Walter's family.  A loving, intelligent family, once.   One thing for sure, I should have never feared you.  I do understand why.  The sick secret assaults you committed in 87years are so disgusting,  I break down daily!

Yes, I do get up and do a praise dance.  No, I didn't piss on your grave as you demanded I not do.  You deserve it though.  You deserve worse.  You do deserve to have your grave dug up by dogs, your bones scattered across Cumberland county.

I do thank you for this one thing you did for me Martha.  Towards the end of your life you treated me so miserably, insulted me with your foul two-edged tongue, roared and raged with your powerful voodoo and conjure,  that I rebelled.

You humiliated me Martha and not on the sly.  You remarked that I was old, ugly, fat, broken down.  You bragged that you had won.  Were you right?  No, I had no husband, never ever had a real boyfriend. I taught for 30 years at the lowest level, as a classroom teacher.  No, I never became that great published author I so desired.

You plunged your dagger in deeper.  Ravenous, you just could not get enough narcissistic supply.

I rebelled enough to open my eyes and to see you for the sick abomination you had been all the time.

No, I am not going to let you rest as my brothers demand.  If they never wake up to your abuse,  if they never realize how you destroyed their lives, in secret, on purpose, that's on them.

I have some pride!  I knew you were a nasty perverted whore at three!  I was three years old and knew you were one messed up, twisted sister.

You thought you were ruining me!  GOD was perfecting Me!  You laughed and laughed , dumped all of your sick repulsive perversion on me.

It won't work Martha!  You, a little black piss ant,  can dig every grave empty of every grain of sand, you will never defeat GOD!    How dare you be dumb enough, evil enough, ignorant enough to try.

I will not be stopped!  I will tell!  I fully intend to tell this entire wide world about low perverted whores like you, are so disrespectful to GOD and His Glory,  they preach.

That was your first wrong move, MURDERING your father, then acquiring a licence to preach for cover.  That church will pay also.  They have no manners.  The least they can do is admit their mistake.  Offer or recommend real baptism.  Apologize for letting her teach Sunday school for decades.

Collective silence will not save us.  You can't sweep a complete abomination under the rug.  Wait until you find out her other evil , completely despicable deeds.

I do look at her friends, her family,  and wonder.  If you love her, if you demand that I cloak for her, what kind of person are you?

 

PTL!

I press on   ...