Love out loud!

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Scream it!  Love, not lust. (learn the difference)  Love! Care! Think about, worry about, see about, one another.  Please have as many people in your life as possible to love and love them genuinely, sincerely.  Forgive them readily.

If you can't love genuinely.  If there is something rotten in you that causes you to secretly hate, compare, turn envious, to lie and plot, stay away.  Become a hermit.  Live alone.

If you are sneaky and lecherous, find out why.  Don't cloak and hide what you know is wrong.  Don't use your position of authority to secretly ruin the innocent.

I know it is difficult for anyone to relate to my situation.  Finally recognizing the horrible person my own mother really was crushed me, reduced me to mere dust.  Just reflecting on all the years she pretended to love me fiercely, pretended to be in my corner.  My dear mother was on the phone with me every day after I graduated from college with honors.

She never gave me five cents, not one penny towards my tuition.  She deliberately inflated her income, made herself appear rich on paper to prevent me from securing Federal aid.  I knew this when I gave her the paper work to complete.

I knew , but I didn't dare know.  Martha sat there for hours, inflating her income and adding my stepfather, doing every thing in her power to block my blessing.  I have to admit I was so dumb and naive that I was actually broken hearted when the financial aid officer denied me a scholarship.

My mother blamed "Dem damn black ass *******! ******* ain't shit !" she exclaimed.  Why couldn't I see I was just as dumb as the parade of men (and women) that went through her bedroom door over the years?  Why couldn't I see I was as dumb as the hordes of country bumpkins lined up in our living room and sitting on the front porch waiting for an audience with the great Madame ******?

Why did it take me decades to see through Martha's facade?  Martha Jane Walters was not a good person, ever, on any level.  Martha was such a loud, roaring, raping, robbing beast,  we all lived for the good times, the few moments, perhaps hours,  when she would be good or kind.

Why couldn't  I admit I was purely terrorized?  You could see the evil in Martha's eyes always.  Cold, dead, lecherous.  However,  she was brilliant in her deceit.  She did make me doubt myself.  Like her I pretended to be confident.  Little did the world know how fragile I was on the inside.

Lonely, hurting, I turned to academics.  I turned to true scholarship.  I read!  I studied! If you saw me you saw a book.  So brilliant, so ahead of my class,  my professors loved me.  As a freshman at N.C.A. & T.  University I taught classes for my professors when they needed a substitute.  They paid me to read books and write the synopsis.   I survived penniless in college by writing term papers for money.  Bring me the test you stole and I would complete it with the right answers for a fee.

I taught seniors as a freshman.  So desperate to earn my mother's love I shared every victory with her, every compliment, every "A" earned on every test.  Every single semester my mother got a letter from from Dr. Dowdy listing me on the Dean's List.

Martha never bragged, never mentioned it.  Do know that I was not completely clueless.  GOD did tell me.   Oh yes,  He did warn me.  But even GOD could not prevent me from craving love and acceptance from this woman.  It was like,  I am going to make her love me.  I am going to be so kind to her, I am going to be so successful, she will have to love me.

It never happened.  Every success, every victory made her hate me more.  Our utter destruction and complete annihilation was the only thing ever on her pure putrid, cleverly disguised sick mind.  She succeeded.  My brilliant medical doctor brother gave up his practice , his family, years ago.  He numbed out.  Put up a big "Do not disturb"  sign and is cloistered up in her old house with her old husband claiming to be happy.

What was to be the world's next great musical genius,  is trying to drink himself into the grave, denying, denying.  Hating me for disturbing his dream, his fantasy of a beautiful loving mother.

I am horrified.  I am livid!  Not only did this ABOMINATION, this SUCCUBUS  come to this earth and do like she did for eighty-seven years, she did it and got clean away.  Never charged for MURDER, parenticide, INCEST, robbery, petty thief, nothing.  (I do think she was charged with prostitution  as a juvenile)

Not only did  Martha Jane Walters successfully murder her own father and five babies , she murdered every dream I ever had, every dream her six surviving children had.  This succubus was the type of person that would pretend to love you, just to destroy you.

I readily admit I prayed for her death.  Yes, I did!  I was so sick and tired of begging her to change, to admit her mistakes, to stop playing head games.  I not so secretly wanted her gone.  I was relived and actually happy when I heard she finally expired.

"Ya'life didn't turn out lak you planned it, did it?"   Which was code for ; "Ha-ha-ha I successfully fucked up your life to pay you back for fucking up my life, dumb black bitch."

I must blog for my sanity.  I must come to this alter, this confessional,  in an attempt to heal.  Yes, I am tormented.  Brokenhearted, unloved, unwanted.  My saddest reality is knowing full well this is exactly what Martha wanted.

Martha always hated GOD claiming He was much too slow.  He is, GOD's timing is much too slow by man's standards.  I cling to the only hope I have, Divine Order.  It is all in Divine Order.  GOD is having His way.
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I am doing all I can do to remain "sane", of having some semblance of sanity.  Who can bear it?  A lunatic whore had me, had us, tormented her own family for eighty-seven years.  Did every evil deed under the sun, died, lauded and praised by her ignorant church, family and friends and I am the outcast.

A very close loved one refuses to help me tell this story.  No explanation as to why.  She is a writer.  GOD placed her in Hollywood.  Re-telling part of my story won her awards at Boston University.  She refuses to believe that we are cursed.

I am tormented.  I am tainted.  I am kin, the daughter of a foul demon.  I know no weapon formed against me shall prosper.   I am confused.  She is dead, long dead, two years on  September 24, 2015.

Her revolting foul secret hatred yet lives. The dummies she dumbed up are still dumb.  Still just as in love with her as her parade of men and women that lined up to be used by her over and over.  "You got'tuh be cold in dis world!  You can't love nobody! Love don't love nobody! Be a goody-goody Christian if you want tuh! Dis world will eat you up! …Ain't nobody honest but a fool!"

Am I already in hell?  Is this the molten lava  burning hell GOD cast us in for our sins?  People have gone mad burning with foul evil.  Creeping up on a policemen, firing ten bullets in the back of their heads!

Men, women,  raping and murdering babies viciously.  People sighing briefly then going on with their lives.  "Nobody cares, why can't you get that through your head!  Why can't you just go on with your life!?

I can't go on with my life because I am crushed.  I love out loud.  When I love, I love for real.  My compliments, my embraces are real, sincere.

I refuse to live a lie to make this dying uncaring world happy.

"Come Jesus"

PTL!

I press on   ...