If you only ...

knew that you have nothing to be ashamed of.  You were an innocent child, a lamb of GOD.  You are forgiven.  Give that pain to Christ.

Stop trying to love her.  She doesn't deserve your love.  Besides, she is so foolish, so blinded by her incredible fear and ignorance, she can't receive it.  She is openly paranoid.   Haven't you ever noticed that when you are good to her, when you treat her with the love and respect a mother deserves, she responds with suspicion?

Don't believe her.  Stop listening to her.   She had nothing to do with your accomplishments.  Nothing!  She has convinced you that she married that "prevert" (not pervert, she mispronounces the word on purpose) for you.  To save you, to get you out of the country, out of those "damn sticks".  How can sixty five acres of land, a rambling ranch house, orchards, vineyards, barns, smoke houses, tobacco barns, a man made lake and total self-sufficiency, no bills, be "dem damn sticks"?

Something is amiss.  Something is wrong.   No, she had to get out of town.  She had to flee that little village.  Everyone knew her.  Everyone knew her character.  "Mathy Jane, you dun run out."  She was the notorious whore of the village.  She was the easy woman that any man could have, could pick up for a few dollars.  She was the woman that could not control her nature.

Poor Mathy Jane, ruined by some despicable man at eight years old.  Spoiled, selfish and manipulative she learned how to milk her tragedy.  She deliberately took advantage of her loving Christian parents.  Had baby after baby after baby, painful abortion after painful abortion.  She would not listen. She was perfect.  She was the "right color".  She had "good hair".  She was damn sure pretty.  Why couldn't she have any man she wanted when she wanted?  If she was good enough to screw, why wasn't she good enough to marry?

"Duh men do it!  Whut 'bout dem men!?"  GOD was not fair.  She hated GOD.  She would get even with GOD.  She would play GOD for a fool just like she did all of those men.  She would play GOD the same way she played her parents.

It worked!  It worked for eighty-six years (so she thought).  "Here come dis luddle black ass heifa'.  Dis luddle talkin' busy body.  Trying to be smart as me wid hur black ass.  Thank she prettier dan me.  I'll fix hur luddle black ass.  I'll fix hur luddle ass good."

When GOD finally releases you over to a reprobate mind, you lose your ability to reason.   You become paranoid, ignorant.  You trust no one, nothing.  You spin out of control and wake up in hell.  The only way back to Christ is through repentance.  You can't do that.  Everyone will find out that you are nothing but a lying hypocrite.  If you could just shut that "goody two shoes" up.  If you could just expose her.  No one is as good as she claims to be.

"I know what...let's ignore her.  Y'all help me.  Don't y'all say nuttin' to hur either.  Pretend lak you thank she lying.  I know I'll tell eva'body she jealous of me 'cause I'm yalla and she so black.  Make up some mo' lies. They will believe me 'cause Imma preach'.  Imma  ordained minister in duh A.M.E. Zion Church.  I wish she wud shut duh f*** up or die one! ...I ain't repentin'!  Tell hur I ain't repentin'!  I ain't dun nuttin" She a lie! She a lie!...much as I dun fa' hur sorry pitiful black a**!"

Some people are blind and can't see and some people are blind and won't see.

Pray for the blind.