"She went running,

running to the city crying there is a man that told me everything I have done."  I sing that Mahalia Jackson song often, silently, in my head.  I grew up with music, I have my own sound track in my head.  It was great music.  Gospel, rhythm and blues, country, classical and some jazz.  I love music.  I know I can't live without it.

I never just listened to the music, I listened to the words.  That woman that Jesus met at the well heard GOD.  Listened to him.  She humbled herself, repented of her sins.

As a child I thought that was an example of what any woman would do if confronted by the LORD, by the truth.  Be careful, that is not true.  GOD  reminds us in Proverbs how a foolish woman tears down her own house with her own hands.

"The wise in heart will receive commandments: but a prating fool shall fall."  "He that walketh uprightly walketh surely: but he that perverteth his ways shall be known." (Proverbs 10:8-9)

"In the lips of him that hath understanding wisdom is found: but a rod is for the back of him that is void of understanding." (verse 13)

Well I was wrong.  Wisdom and understanding is not automatic or common place.  Stupidity is an awful waste.  But when we see it, we have to recognize it and call it what it is.

"He that hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool."  You are a fool Martha, a silly extremely whorish woman.  A violent despicable manipulative wicked woman.  That's the truth, your whole life in a nutshell.  You may have conned my brothers into keeping you a secret.  I won't! Why? You're still stupid! You're still fallen and corrupt.

So, you still have some blind followers, some still live in fear of you.  So what?  Do you think you've fooled GOD?  You are groping in the pitch black darkness, afraid to come to light.  A tiny depraved piss ant still trying to fight GOD.  No, you are not laughable, you are a heartbreak.

I do want to share this with you today.  That sick hatred you always felt was not for me, or for us (the children that you screamed you hated and wished you had never had)  it was for you.

 I can recall it like it was yesterday.  I am sure I have mentioned it in my blog often.  "Oh! mother, thank you for buying that dishwasher.  It has helped me so much." I pleasantly and sincerely complimented you.  Sure, I was lame and naive, up early every morning cleaning your house.  (You thought you were torturing me.  The fact is you were teaching me self discipline)

You said nothing.  You pretended to not hear me. How could  I know I struck your hate cord?  How could I yet know that you were on a mission to utterly destroy me a thousand times worse than you ever destroyed yourself?   The next morning I found that second hand dishwasher laying on it's side in the backyard, discarded.  It lay there for months in the wind, in the rain, in the elements, rusting, useless.

  Now please permit me to play psychiatrist.   Only you knew that you shielded a deep hatred in your heart for me.  The ultimate coward and liar you were never about to admit that your condition, your life,  was the result of your hard head and rebelliousness.

I was a budding beautiful young lady with high moral standards and that disgusted you.  Perhaps I was the young lady you always wanted to be.  No, you never came out and said directly or clearly that you hated me.  But,you sure set me up.  Why did you need for me to be the whore that you were?  No, you wanted me to be a worse whore.  You want me to be a crack addict whore.  Relax, that is never going to happen.

Again, make sure you get this.  I was not the object of your hatred.  You suffer from self hatred, self loathing. And you should.  This was around the time you were screwing that fat, ugly, stank walrus, Mr. Smith.  I did tell you that he "stunk", because he did.  You defended him by saying he worked in a fertilizer factory.  I said; "He's married."  You said; "His wife is cripple, she is an invalid.  He is waiting on her to die.  He has a lot of money and no children."

I was too honest, said everything that crossed my fourteen year old mind.  Evidently my truth hurt your feelings. In your still childish corrupt mind, your "hurt feelings" justified your sick sabotage.   Pray to love yourself.  Pray to forgive yourself.  I am of the opinion that you have the worse case of self loathing possible.  Hate the deed not yourself.

That woman went running to the city proud to repent.  Proud to love the LORD.  What if Jesus had met you at the well?  You would have cussed Jesus out, probably would have stabbed him, laid hands on Him.   You would have secretly spit in Jesus' water and laughed after tricking Him into drinking it.  You sure would have put "roots" on Him, lied on Him and slandered Him.

I never in my life did you any wrong.  The worse I ever did to you was go in your purse and take the money you took from me.  I kept all of your secrets.  I was obedient, humble and I loved you.

You can not make me give up the right for the wrong.  I refuse to overlook your rotting fruit.  I will not pretend or ignore the fact that YOU MURDERED my grandfather. (Did he hurt your feelings? Cause you to suffer rightful shame?)

Again, it wasn't granddaddy that you hated.  You hate yourself.  You demand to be lauded, worshipped, well thought of.  That might make you feel good for a minute.  Nothing can erase the deep sick self loathing you feel except for the Holy Ghost.  By GOD's Grace we are saved.  I pray GOD's Grace over you and for you.  Come to the truth, come to the light.  There is nothing in that darkness but hatred and vile wickedness.  Continue to pretend that you hate me if that makes you feel better.  I will continue to pray for you.

Stay in His WORD children.  Remember; "Apart from Christ you are nothing."

May GOD's Grace,Mercy and Truth, engulf you, cloak you and keep you in Perfect Peace,
Rachel Gwendolyn Doster (the exceedingly proud granddaughter of a great Patriarch, JEROME WALTERS)