STAGE THREE: HEALING

I'm stuck.  Blocked, prohibited from further healing.  #18. I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me.

I am in recovery.  I remembered.  I mourned.  Now, I am trying to heal.  I can't heal completely and wholly if my abuser continues to play nit-wit.

You did it!  You know you did and no doubt enjoyed doing it.  Demanding that I keep my mouth shut is certainly not the solution.  Sure it is the solution for you.  Silence always worked for you.  That's why you are an eighty-six year old reprobate snake that plays "associate pastor" on Sundays.

I bet you lay your nasty hands on people, don't you?  You do communion, don't you?  When people march up to the Chancellor rail you are the first one to lay your demonic hands on them aren't you?

Jesus warned us.  You are proof. 
"Your silence will not protect you." (Audre Lorde)  Pretending that you didn't  do what you know full well you did will not be the end of this story.  Your awful low common character indicts you.

There is a very obvious component to this nightmare you are deliberately overlooking.  You put "you" first in your life forever and for always.  Your lack of caring and loving is abundantly clear.  When I kindly and gingerly approached you inquiring about my "molestation" fifty years after the fact, should not have produced the hysterical hatred and inhuman outrage.

Where was the evidence of a caring nurturing mother?  You could not be what you have never been.  You are an aberration. Big "I", little you.  Not "little you", tiny you, microscopic you.  "Just disappear n**** until I need something to degrade,to molest, to humiliate, to torture, to tear asunder.  I will never be detected because I will "play" the best mother any one ever saw or heard of.   I will never love or care for you because I can't.  I am incapable.  Shut the f*** up! and stop expecting and demanding something that I can't do and don't want to do. I HATE YO' BLACK A**!!! Can't you tell!  You duh fool fo' blieving me!  Dey should have locked me Up!  Dey didn't so I will do all the damage I can, to who I can, as long as GOD leaves breath in my body!"

When have you ever cared about me? (When have you ever cared about anyone?)  I am not referring to the phony set ups.  I am not referring to your stock and trade memorized sugar coated lies.  That man savagely raped me at your behest.  You were so afraid that I just might end up with a life better than yours.  That and the fact that you are a  PERVERT make you a despicable abomination!  GOD called it right!  You are an aberration!

First you need to come to grips with your Truth.  You are messed up!  You are perverted!  You can't live life on your terms.  Do what ever you please and demand that your victims remain silent.  That's no going to happen any longer.  "Mathy Jane you done run out!"  Run to the rocks.  You found a "church" that will hide you.  Not a good move.  They offered you comfort and cover.  They should have offered you salvation.

You fought, bullied, terrorized and intimidated your entire family for eighty-six years.  YOU ARE POSSESSED WITH A DEMON! You are an aberration.  You are messed up!  I don't have to go along with it.   I don't have to protect your phony "good" name.

You owe me an apology!  I'm not a blood clot.  I am not your property.  I AM A CHILD OF GOD! I AM A CHILD OF THE KING!!!  Yes the King that you pretend to serve.

Worse than NOT caring about my feelings you instinctively got off on my pain, laughed at my tears.  Taunted me, twisted the knife in my back.  Told me the man that you professed to be my father for fifty years was not my father.  Can't you see that makes you look more common?  The truth is you have no idea who my father is!  That's common!

You have a right to be common.  Be common.  But when confronted don't spew your venom.  When I was growing up with your hovering over me trying your damnest to destroy me secretly.  You were very fond of bragging; "I gave dat n**** my a** to kiss!"

Is that what you did to me?  You gave me your a** to kiss.  I don't think so.  I refuse to kiss your a**!  I refuse to keep my mouth shut.  I refuse to keep your sick demented secrets!  You will not MURDER my grandfather, JEROME WALTERS, and get away with it.

Do not assume the silence of my family means much.  Their silence can not protect you.  Their lack of action or reaction is something they have to deal with.

No, I have NOT resolved the abuse that I suffered at your hands.  I didn't ask you why.  Maybe you don't know why.  You will not call me a liar!

Yes, your repentance is my wish.  Yes, I know that it has to be your wish.  Is it possible?  Can a fallen woman possessed by a  dirty demon ever come to repentance?    Will you ever receive your sight?  Do not be deceived by your blind believers.  You know and I know the ABSOLUTE TRUTH!

"To GOD be the Glory!"  Stay in His WORD children.  Remember; "Apart from Christ you are nothing."

May GOD's Grace, Mercy and Truth, engulf you, cloak you and keep you in Perfect Peace,
Rachel Gwendolyn Doster (the exceedingly proud granddaughter of a great Patriarch , JEROME WALTERS)